The Gym (again)

 

It’s about that time of year, when you have just finished the Christmas shop and you’ve got a cupboard stacked with delicious food – sounds perfect! You’re going to spend the next week sitting on your arse eating Christmas dinner, mince pies, chocolates, and drinking booze. Unfortunately, there is a price to pay – you’re going to get fat.
On New Year’s Eve you are going to get drunk and make some New Year’s Resolutions – remember the promises you made yourself last year? What about the one where you’re going to take out a new gym membership to help you lose weight.

Before making any rash decisions, you should first consult the Discussions with My Dog guidance notes.

In our previous blog – Dogs are a great motivator of sport – Daisy gave a very honest review of what the gym actually has to offer – see the link.

An average gym membership will cost you £50 per month. You’ve committed to going 3 times every week, so each visit works out about £4. That’s great value. Reality check – by March/April you might manage to drag yourself down there twice a month. Does £25 a visit still sound like great value?

You’ll have to get kitted out, so you’ll need a new pair of trainers (you’ve been wearing your current pair to work in the garden, and they are looking a bit knackered. You can’t possibly be seen in muddy scuffed footwear running on the treadmill). That’s going to set you back another £150.

The gym is usually full of people who exercise regularly and are in excellent physical shape. Guys who bench press 300 pounds, ladies who do a spin class back-to-back with an aerobics class and then a sun bed session - people who have no need to visit the gym. Compared to them you are going to look like an out of condition slob – is your self-esteem ready for that?

If it doesn’t work out, you can always cancel your membership – all you have to do is contact the call centre and ask for the cancellation’s team. Good luck with that – see the link to call centre blog.

Our final top tip is: save this link in your calendar to be read in the third week of December next year.

Alastair and Daisy

Pants

 

Regular readers of this blog will know that Daisy the dog does not like having a bath. In fact, she thinks that hygiene is very overrated. Does she have a point? Most people believe you should change your underwear every day. Here is the Discussions With My Dog top 10 tips why this might just be a misguided obsession with cleanliness.

1. In medieval times the King of the realm owned 6 pairs of pants. The noble classes, on average owned 4 pairs but common peasants only ever owned a single pair. Changing your pants every day was simply not an option.
2. For professional reasons - Superhero’s wear their pants over their tights, as an essential part of their costume. Imagine superman without his trademark red pants.
3. Also work related - professional wrestlers. The logistics of removing a 3-ounce pair of spandex pants from a 300-pound man who has just been involved in a sweaty wrestling match is not something you want to do every day.
4. The confused reason – you have several pairs of pants the same style and colour. If they don’t smell too bad how do you know when to change them?
5. Covid-19 lockdown reason – you have no idea what day of the week it is so how do you know when to change them?
6. The “can’t be arsed” reason – if you change them, you have to wash them, dry them, fold them and put them in the cupboard. Way too much effort every day.
7. In case you have an accident – every day you leave the house you have a 1 in 10,000 chance of being involved in a serious accident. A common reaction to impending serious injury is to soil yourself. Why would you risk messing up a clean pair of underwear under those circumstances?
8. As a school-boy - You have been the victim of an atomic wedgie. It’s not a case of not wanting to change your pants, you are going to need a surgical procedure to remove them from your arse crack.
   
9. The save the environment reason – every wash wastes valuable electricity and water.
10. They are your lucky pants – who can argue with that?

     Alastair and Daisy

The best and worst fashions of the ages

 

This week it’s FASHION WEEK at Discussions with My Dog – to be honest its more about when fashion goes bad. Daisy recently picked up an injury to her paw, and for her own protection, we bought her some dog boots. Daisy thinks dog boots suck and she has been on a major sulk for several days.

This got us thinking about styles that, when examined with the cold light of history, were proved to be something of a disaster.

Fashions are cyclical. You’ll notice commentators will say “the thirties look is back this year” etc. One era yet to make a come back is the 60’s/70’s. Extra wide collars and flares were never a good look. At it’s height, the flares just kept getting outrageously larger. The queue for the Saturday night disco looked like the start of a yacht race with all that fabric flapping around in the wind.

In 1973 there was an oil crisis, most Western economies went into recession and were only saved by cutting back on the massive cost of material necessary to make those flares and collars.

One of my least favourite fashions is what I call the ‘low gravity look’. This is a favourite among teenage boys who wear their trousers ridiculously low, well below the hips with several inches of underwear showing. Spoiler alert guys – in ten years you’ll look back at the photos and wonder why you went out in public looking as though you had taken a massive shit in your pants.  

Although Daisy abhors dog boots, there is one thing Daisy hates more: the medical collars dogs have to wear after an operation – the ones that resemble a lampshade. Back in Elizabethan times, an extended ‘ruff’ collar was considered the absolute height of fashion. The Elizabethans also invented voluminous puffle pants. I can’t offer an explanation for ruff collars but back in the 16^th century, there were no public toilets, so it was useful to have some spare capacity in the trouser department if you were desperate to take a shit whilst out and about.

Finally, any blog about fashion would not be complete without a comment about stiletto heels. At some point in history almost every fashion has been experimented with by both men and women – except stiletto heels. I would say men are not foolish enough to totter around on a heel that has a surface area half the size of a postage stamp, but if you take low gravity trousers into consideration men are more than willing to wear abominations in the name of fashion.

Stilettos are in fact a very practical solution to a modern-day problem. Ladies are, on average, shorter than men. They have difficulty reaching goods on the top shelf in most supermarkets. This is why a six inch pair of stilettos is an absolute must on any shopping trip, as admirably demonstrated by this young lady.

Alastair and Daisy

STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS

 

These days, you hear an awful lot about diversity and inclusion. I get totally lost with all the different groups who have rights, don’t have rights, or whose rights have been wronged. The groups are now banding together into a blur of rights and wrongs, last count it was L-G-B-T-Q, I have no idea what that stands for, but interestingly, there is no ‘D’ in this ensemble of letters. So, in the spirit of supporting equality and diversity, this weeks’ blog is dedicated to promoting DOG’s rights. 

Case 1

Just as many of the protesting minorities have gained rights, dogs have been progressively discriminated against. Back in the 1970’s – admittedly not a decade known for its political correctness – you never saw a sign prohibiting dogs from running on the beach. Today dogs are about as welcome on the beach as a turd in a swimming pool. OK, people don’t want dogs crapping all over the beach and owners who don’t clean up after them should be fined. However, let’s have some perspective, dog poop is a degradable substance that will disappear over time. Humans regularly discard plastic waste on the beaches, doesn’t that warrant a fine? – that stuff will float around polluting the oceans for decades. 

Case 2

Dogs are not allowed in most cafes, restaurants, or other establishments serving food. Why exactly? Daisy is familiar with table etiquette. She understands that sitting next to a complete stranger, staring intently at their food with drool running down their chin might be considered a little intrusive (although it wouldn’t stop her doing it). The ultimate insult to dogs is the Cat Café. This is a relatively new phenomenon. An eating house exclusively reserved for cats!? Daisy’s ultimate fantasy is that someone accidentally leaves the door open and she gets 10 minutes of crazy time inside the Cat Café.

Case 3

Back in the last century, we used to have a Miss World contest every year. It was a global get-together. Each country would send their best-looking lady and there would be a competition to pick the prettiest one. I assume that these types of events are no longer encouraged because they are demeaning to women. Last time we looked, dog shows such a Crufts were still running. As far as we can see, it’s roughly the same format.

Case 4

Our last point of the unjustness of public transport. Dogs are not permitted to travel on many forms of public transport, especially aircraft. I phoned up Heathrow Airport to find out why? They explained that dogs are not really compatible with air travel, for example;

Alastair and Daisy

Farting Etiquette

 

Every year governments around the world bring out hundreds of new laws, literally 1,000’s of pages of new regulations, but there are very few laws about flatulence. My local council did however recently introduce guidelines for queuing for the bus - 

Daisy the dog has absolutely no shame when it comes to farting. After she’s let one slip, she will lay there and stare you straight in the eye. Most people are more modest, but what are the rules when farting in company? Here is the Discussions with My Dog guide to farting etiquette. 

Group situation I

The blame game - When someone in a group unleashes a silent but deadly fart

If you are the culprit, it is perfectly legitimate to blame somebody else. The trick is to wait until someone shrieks “OMG, who just dropped their guts”? Never be first. Jump in and point the blame to the most uptight person present. The second rule of the situation is never to blame the dog. They can’t defend themselves.

Group situation II

The squealer

This starts similar to the first situation. The farter clenches up and attempts to gas in silence, but the fart sneaks through a gap between their buttocks with a high-pitched squeal. No blame game rules this time. This is the rule of natural justice - sneaky bastards deserve to get caught.

Group Situation III

School assembly

Remember school assembly? The hall packed wall to wall with kids. The teachers have enforced silence for the Headmaster to make “a very important” announcement. In the moment of complete hush, a kid breaks wind violently. There is a pause, a shocked silence before the first person lets out a snigger. The teachers glare, daring anyone to laugh out loud.  It’s the funniest thing you’ve heard all year and your body is physically shaking trying to suppress the laughter. You’re holding it back desperately, but 5 minutes later, the fart is still preying on your mind demanding you collapse into a fit of giggles. The lesson is that not everyone finds farting funny. I feel sorry for people with no sense of humour.

Toilet cubicle etiquette

When you let rip in a cubicle and didn’t realise there was another person in the room

Do you wait it out until they leave? Or brazen it out, throw open the cubicle and announce, “If you come down to the engine room you’ve got to expect to witness some damage”. If you are the person outside, I personally recommend acknowledging the event with a polite round of applause and then discretely leave.

The Exhibitionist

It’s true you can set annal gas alight. Most farts generate enough methane to produce a satisfying blue flame. The rule here is safety related - beware of secondary ignition sources, especially guys with hairy arses. Forest fires are known to cause devastation.

Farting in bed

These rules apply to cohabiters. There are no set rules, you should set boundaries you are both comfortable with – OR JUST GO FOR IT.

Alastair and Daisy

The Bodger's Charter

 

In our previous post Home Improvements, we gave some tips on home improvements. This week we’re giving advice on how to avoid DIY mistakes. If you don’t know what you’re doing, employ a qualified tradesman – don’t bodge it. As Daisy says, if you want a squirrel chased off the garden call the dog, a cat just won’t get the job done.

This handy guide will help you recognise when a project is heading for disaster and save you from the Bodger’s Charter.

All the traditional trades have a patron saint, an angel who keeps a watching eye over them, for example; the patron saint of fishermen is St Andrew, the patron saint of brewers is St Oliver (Reed), and the patron saint of bodgers is Thor. Thor is known for his ability to fix any problem, large or small, with a hammer and brute force. The hammer is the bodger’s preferred tool for all occasions. You can’t knock in a nail with a screwdriver, but you can whack in a screw with a hammer.

The experienced bodger is a jack of all trades, and master of none. The bodger has attempted almost every DIY job there is – at least once. His extensive knowledge of how to carry out a task is usually based on “having a mate who knows a bit about this”. Invariably the results don’t turn out as planned. Classic signs of a bodger at work are mini-meltdowns, profuse swearing, and throwing tools or materials he claims are sub-standard quality. The bodger can often be seen at the DIY store on Sunday buying the same products he bought, and then busted, on Saturday. Serial bodgers can often be found in Anger Management class.

Many bodgers have an assistant who is of very little assistance. This is usually a wife or girlfriend who offers useful advice such as “Do you know what you are doing?” or “I don’t think you should have done it like that?” It could also be the dog who has sneaked off with the piece of wood he has been very precisely cutting and shaping for the last hour. The bodger spends the next 30 minutes looking for it, only to find a mess of chewed up splinters.

The bodger dreams of being able to saw perfect mitres – the angled cuts that join up corners of skirting boards of door liners without unsightly gaps. In reality he knows his joints won’t fit, but he can fill up the cracks with glue and dust and hide his shoddy carpentry with a coat of paint.

The pinnacle of the bodger’s career is the mid-life crisis project. Undaunted by his long track record of DIY disasters he decides he is ready for the big one – the full bathroom conversion. Six months after the bathroom conversion began, the family have gotten used to having no running hot water in the sink, a door that won’t close properly, a shower rail that falls off when in use, and a toilet that takes 20 flushes to work. The bodger has promised he’ll fix it all next week.

Alastair and Daisy

Teambuilding

 

One of the unnoticed benefits of Coronavirus and social distancing has been the complete demise of Team Building courses. For those of you lucky enough to never have experienced a team building course, I should explain.

When the management of large corporations realise the business isn’t performing as well as they hoped, and they have no real idea how to fix things, they send the whole work force on a team building course. It’s intended to boost morale and foster team spirit. Attendance is mandatory for employees because “you’re really going to enjoy it and come back a better person”.

Team building courses are an export from America. This country has contributed many wonderful inventions such as rock ‘n’ roll, spaghetti westerns (OK most were made in Europe), the personal computer and spandex. To keep the balance they have also inflicted some monstrous crap on the rest of us, and team building courses are high in the top 10.

The courses are often a 2 – 3-day residential programme, so it intrudes on your personal time. The one possible saving grace of the whole sorry event is that they might have a free bar. If it doesn’t, then you really have been screwed.

So, you get to spend three days in the company of your fellow employees. You already suspect that half of them are dicks and a team building course is the perfect stage for them to prove it.

The course is always run by a team of insanely cheerful idiots. They encourage you to exchange hugs and high fives and bond with your colleagues. They love an inspiring theme song and they probably have a dance routine for you to learn. They repeatedly use annoying buzz-phrases like “positive mental attitude,” “let’s deep dive this,” and “winning is baked into our DNA”. I suspect that most team building organisers eventually end as members of whacky religious cults.

The courses always involve a series of pointless exercises. A favourite is to take turns falling backwards off a chair and a group of colleagues will catch you – this builds trust. What you really want is for the whole team to back up a few paces and let your manager fall flat on the deck. That would also teach a valuable lesson – how to laugh your arse off. Even worse, in the cringe sessions you might get invited to talk about your inner feelings or tell your colleagues why you think they are such a valuable member of the team.

If you really want to know the true meaning of friendship and loyalty – get a dog and take them for long walks on the three days you would have wasted ‘team building’.

Alastair and Daisy

Superheroes

 

This week, Discussions with My Dog pays tribute to the guys and girls who make it their business to save the world - Superheroes. They may not have a great deal of dress sense – most superheroes insist on wearing their underpants over their tights - but they make up for that with amazing powers and an unerring sense of duty.

Daisy’s opinion of some of your favourites

Superman – this guy has it all; the ability to fly, super-human strength, bullet proof pecs and x-ray vision. Who didn’t dream of having x-ray vision when they were 6 years old? The main problem with Superman is he’s too good - he makes all other superheroes a bit redundant.

Batman – remember the old Batman from the 60’s TV series, played by Adam West. He told corny jokes and could escape from the most impossible situations with an ingenious invention stored in his utility belt. Check this out
Then Hollywood ruined Batman by giving him a dark and moody makeover. Who wants a superhero who hangs out in an underground cavern, probably listening to grunge music and generally sucking the life out of everything.

Wonder Woman – Daisy thinks WW is very cool. Daisy would like to borrow her lasso of truth to find out where I’ve been hiding the dog treats.

Cat Woman – obviously not one of Daisy’s favourites.

Spiderman – not an ideal dog owner. Every time he stroked the dog, a sticky web would be left in their fur.

Incredible Hulk – what a rotten super-power. Say you are in the garden fixing a broken panel in the fence and you hit your thumb with the hammer. Next thing you know you’re waking up 3 hours later in nothing but a pair of knee length jeans (the £90 Levi’s that you only bought last week) and wishing you had gone for stretch fit and you’ve trashed the whole fence in your furious green rage.

Alastair and Daisy

Recycling

We all know that recycling is good for the environment. Discussions With My Dog supports recycling – in most cases.

Daisy believes in recycling the recycling. If the kitchen bin is unattended, she will diligently empty half its contents on the floor just to check that the waste packaging has been properly disposed of and all traces of food have been removed. Sometimes she has to chew the packaging into tiny pieces to get the job done properly.

Have you ever noticed that mail order parcels often arrive with unnecessary amounts of packaging – there are boxes within boxes, layers of bubble wrap and polystyrene linings. One mid-sized delivery can easily fill up your whole recycle bin. Don’t stand for this - fight back! Tell the supplier you want to return the goods within a 14 day cooling off period, return the box, with all the packaging, to the supplier with a note explaining you are happy with the product but want your money back for the delivery cost which has clearly been ramped up due to excessive packaging. If everyone did this, I bet packaging would quickly get stripped back to the bare minimum.

Recycling can be timeless (almost). In music terms there can be no better example than Status Quo. They’ve written hit songs, released dozens of albums and played thousands of shows over 6 decades. All this by recycling three chord songs. OK, you can tell a Quo track a mile off because they have a similar sound, but if you have a magic formula why waste it?

Recycling isn’t always recommended. Take four or five cardboard cut-outs, teach them a few stupid dance moves and how to lip sync and you have created a boy band.  They will pump out a few forgettable inane tunes that will be hugely popular with pre-teen girls for a couple of years. The same band gets recycled a couple of years later, nobody notices because you can’t remember what the previous version sounded like.

Finally, here’s an example of how a household utensil, in this case on old mop, can be recycled into a brand new pet - mop dog

Alastair and Daisy

How your dog can motivate you to do sport

Everyone knows the importance of exercise. Daisy loves a run in the woods or on the beach. Unlike dogs most people prefer to take their exercise in a gym. So, this week, we get Daisy’s take on what the gym has to offer:

The squash court – She watched some guys whacking a rubber ball against the wall for a couple of minutes. Unfortunately, Daisy doesn’t play the same rules. She ran across the court, snapped up the ball and it hasn’t been seen since.

The weights room – not much to see here, mostly jar heads and posers.

The running machine – a bunch of people pretending to be hamsters on a treadmill.

Spin class – some ladies inside hamster balls.

The exercise bikes – another bunch of people going nowhere, only they’re going nowhere faster than the ones on the hamster treadmill.

The swimming pool – after a run through the woods Daisy loves to cool off in the water. Her favourite pool looks a bit different. 

The shower room – I reminded Daisy this is what happens to dogs after they go swimming the dirty pond. Daisy thought it was about time to leave.

We finished our introductory tour of the gym. The rep asked us if I would like to become a member. They were doing a special deal for £50 a month. Unfortunately, dogs are not welcome. Daisy and I are off to the woods.

Alastair and Daisy

The Danger of "one-click" Shopping

If you live in Britain today, you very probably have a mobile phone or a computer, and that device gives you access to your Amazon account. An Amazon account is the cyber-portal to a treasure trove of shit to buy or, in my case, an endless amount of shit for my wife to buy. Even more dangerously the Amazon account is linked to my credit card.

A few days ago, a parcel arrived in the post, it wasn’t my birthday or Christmas and I don’t remember ordering anything, but it was addressed to me. I opened it to find a large multi-pack of dental sticks. For those who are not familiar with dental sticks, they are marketed as a product to keep your dog’s teeth clean. A sort of edible tooth brush. The idea is the dog slowly chews the stick and the chewing action removes the plaque from their teeth. I don’t know what dental sticks are made from, but dogs absolutely love them. Daisy can scoff one down in less than a minute, which rather defeats the objective of cleaning her teeth.

Daisy is a Lurcher. A Lurcher isn’t the sort of dog who would consider stealing a tasty morsel as wrong. The Lurcher will simply work out how to get their snout into the cupboard or saucepan that contains the tasty morsel. The Lurcher will wait patiently until the coast is clear before making their move. They are crafty and seldom leave any evidence behind – maybe the odd piece of chewed up packaging. A Lurcher is always on the look out for an opportunity to help themselves to a snack.

So, I had a vision. My wife was trawling around Amazon looking for inspiration for something to buy. She was interested in something vaguely dog related and was on a page advertising dental sticks when the doorbell rang. Daisy was sitting by the untended computer. The cursor is hovering over the icon for a packet of dental sticks which attract her attention. Daisy hops onto the chair and steadies herself by placing a paw on the desk. Her paw hits the mouse and she has just added a packet of dental sticks to her shopping cart.

The ever helpful Amazon website prompts ‘Why not order a multi-pack’? Daisy moves her paw and instantly upgrades herself to a multipack. The website recommends placing a recurring monthly order for dental sticks. Daisy thinks that is a jolly good idea.

Amazon wants to know how she is going to pay? Dad’s credit card of course.

Finally, does Daisy want express next day delivery at an extra £1.99? Do bears shit in the woods? Of course she does.

So, you can see the dangers of ‘one click’ shopping.  I’m going to be watching the post next month to see if another box of dental sticks arrive.

Alastair and Daisy

The Dating Game

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

Computers appear to have taken control of how people find relationships in the modern world. The theory is solid; there are hundreds or thousands of potential Mr or Mrs Rights out there, and a computer programme can help you whittle out the non-contenders. Does relying on technology mean we are losing some of the old inter-personal skills? Do you just end up dating people who can write the most convincing online profiles or failed contestants from Love Island with the personality of a brick?

Who needs computer dating? Success with romance is no more difficult than how a good owner would treat their best canine friend. Just follow the advice of Daisy the Dog and you’ll soon be sweeping your new date off their feet:

Don’t be a cheapskate. A gentleman always pays for dinner at the restaurant on a first date. Daisy knows the difference between standard dog food and treats.

Go somewhere nice. Driving to the beach or the woods involves a bit more planning and effort than a walk around the block. Does the place you are visiting have rabbits or squirrels?

Don’t cancel at short notice because you can’t be arsed. Come rain or shine Daisy needs a walk EVERY day. Slacking off won’t be tolerated.

An inexpensive but thoughtful gift creates a good impression. Your new lady friend might not react by dancing around like a flamenco dancer on drugs at the sight of a tennis ball (what Daisy does), but it’s the thought that counts.

Perhaps your date has spent the afternoon at the beauty salon and spent £100 on a lavish makeover. Maybe the spray tan turned out that radioactive orange colour or the hair style is a disaster zone (see below). Sometimes it’s better to just pretend the elephant in the room doesn’t exist. An ideal place for a first date could be the zoo, somewhere an elephant in the room isn’t actually going to be that noticeable - just don’t mention it.    

Alastair and daisy

Basic Bitch

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

When you get to my age, popular sub-culture can be a very mysterious place to venture. I recently heard my twenty-something daughters talking about a ‘basic bitch’. If I had been asked to define a 'basic bitch'. I might have guessed that’s what you ask for when you visit the dog rescue centre and you’re not bothered what breed to adopt. you just want a 'basic dog' or a 'basic bitch'.

It turns out to be something entirely different. These guys can explain in more detail

Being basic isn’t necessarily bad or unhealthy, it just means you follow all the popular trends and are somewhat lacking in originality. BUT if you’re fed up of following the crowd and want to stand out then you aspire to be a ‘BAD BITCH’. For hints and tips on being a bad bitch you need advice from an expert - Daisy the dog.

Here’s the Discussions with My Dog’s guide to correcting some of the most common basic bitch mistakes: 

1.       Your favourite places to order out are Starbucks and Dominos. Nobody in their right mind would give Daisy caffeine, it would be like throwing petrol on a fire. Daisy is, however, willing to compromise her bad bitch reputation on Domino’s, but she is also equally fond of many other brands of pizza.

2.   You have enough Lush bath products to last you until the end of the next century, or at least the next time you happen to be passing a cosmetics shop. Daisy thinks that baths are seriously over-rated, once or twice a year is more than sufficient. You may disagree but Daisy has a beautiful thick coat that glows in the sunlight. 

3. You Instagram message your friends with selfies using the cute dog filters – the one that transforms you with floppy ears and a puppy dog nose. Maybe time to grow up??

4.       Your wardrobe is dictated by popular designer brands. You own a pair of trainers that cost over £100 that you would never wear to the park because they might get dirty. Daisy loves running in the park and doing skid brake turns in the mud. That’s what trainers were made for.

5.       For entertainment you binge watch box sets of Friends and Sex in the City. Daisy suggests you refer to point 4) i.e. switch off the TV, put your filthy trainers on and let’s go for a run in the park.

6.       You have a tattoo with a mystic personal message in Chinese symbols. Basic mistake! Did you think the tattoo guy actually speaks Chinese? He just copied from the instruction leaflet for his mobile phone. Your intimate tattoo actually says something like ‘manufacturer’s warranty’.

Alastair and Daisy

Home Improvements

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

Last year, people in Britain spent a whopping £83 billion on home improvements – that’s a lot of cash. Whether it was poor planning, shoddy workmanship or just a dumb idea not everyone’s plans worked out as they fully expected. If you are thinking about a new project to spruce up the home first take a look over Daisy the dog’s suggestions.

 What makes a good home improvement

Security

You could spend over £10,000 on a high-tech security system, but there are cheaper alternatives:

Rig up the doorbell to a recording of ferocious barking.

Get one of those ‘I live here’ pictures of a Rottweiler or an Alsatian for the front window. For extra deterrent purchase a skeleton from the nearest hospital and scatter some gnawed human bones in the front garden. Burglars will give your house a wide berth.

Garden ornaments and shrubbery

You could plant your borders with expensive shrubs or you could dig some holes and plant butcher’s bones. This will be great entertainment for the dog over the next few weeks as he/she digs them up.

Sound proofing

Do you get awoken at midnight by the neighbour’s dog barking? That’s not the dog’s fault – your house has inferior quality double glazing. Only install new windows that have passed the ‘bark test’.

Decorating

Most home fashion magazines recommend decorating the walls in neutral colours. Your pet dog spends most of his/her day lounging around the house waiting for something to happen. They might be staring at wall for hours on end. If boring was a colour it would be magnolia. Be daring, paint the walls zingy yellow or furnace red.

And finally, a tip for the man of the house:

Always have a minimum of six unfinished DIY projects outstanding at any one time. Some days you just want to goof off and watch the football or read some shite on the internet. When your wife gets home demanding to know what you’ve been doing you can refer to having spent the last three hours ‘stormproofing the fence’ or ‘balancing the radiators’. She knows you’re lying but can’t prove it.

Alastair and Daisy

Mansplaining and Dogsplaining

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

In the old days, men made all the rules. We know this system worked perfectly well because it says so in the history books (which were all written by men).

These days things are a little more tricky for blokes because there are laws about equality and discrimination. Men have to be more creative to stay ahead in the battle of the sexes, so they have resorted to some fairly dirty tactics i.e., ‘mansplaining.’

The Definition of mansplaining: the explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.
This is an excellent example.

Before you can effectively mansplain, you have to understand a few rules:

1. Act as though you are the world’s most renown expert on the subject you are mansplaining.

2. You don’t need an invitation to mansplain something – women are always grateful to listen to your advice.

3. A perfect mansplain should end with the woman still rather confused and forced to admit that it’s the sort of thing that only a man would understand.

4. If the lady contradicts you she obviously hasn’t understood and you should mansplain in more simple terms.

5. If you really get stuck (the woman appears to know more than you do) introduce an analogy about the offside rule in football and proceed to mansplain that.

6. The only time it is acceptable to mansplain to a group of men is in the pub after a few pints.

So, if mansplaining isn’t an effective form of communication, then we need something else. Perhaps Dogsplaining?

I’ll give you a few examples of how Daisy the dog can make sense of very complex problems:

Me - So why is my dinner always more interesting than yours?
Daisy - Let’s swap what’s on your plate for my dog bowl.

Me - Do you need really a walk tonight?
Daisy - I’ve been sitting here staring at the wall for 3 hours waiting for you to come home. Of course I need a walk.

Me: When I let you out in the garden at midnight for a wee, is it absolutely necessary to bark your head off for 5 minutes and wake up the neighbours?

Daisy: Hell YES!

Alastair and Daisy

Magic Reset Button

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

When you are playing a video game and your car crashes, or you fall into a pit of molten lava, or you meet some other unfortunate ending, you always have the option of pressing ‘Reset’ i.e. starting the level again, just go back and fix your mistakes before they happened. What if you could have a Magic Reset button in real life? It would have an infinite amount of possible uses. Here are just a few examples:

Situation 1

You’re out for an afternoon stroll on the village green. Your dog is trotting along happily by your side. The sun is shining, the birds are singing in the trees. You notice the dog is going into the ‘squat and shuffle round in circles’ routine, the one they do to find the perfect place for a shite. Once the ideal spot has been located, no amount of pleading or persuasion will get them to move. Today’s perfect place is in the middle of the cricketpitch.
About 50 people are watching your dog produce a steaming pile. If Dr Who’s Tardis had appeared in the exact same space it would be attracting less attention. You dip your hand into your pocket, into another pocket, and into every possible crevice in your clothing – You numpty. You have forgotten the poop bags, and all these interested onlookers are staring, waiting for you to clear up the crap. No problem you say, I’ll just hit the Magic Reset button for half an hour ago and remember to collect the poop bags from the car.

Situation 2

 I arrive downstairs in the morning to find that Daisy has ransacked the bin and strewn chewed up food wrappings across the floor.

Me - ”What the heck is all this mess”?

Daisy - “I call it recycling”.

Me - “You’re a bad dog. If I had a Magic Reset button, we could put everything back as it was”.

Daisy - “That’s a brilliant Idea. I’d get to go bin foraging all over again”.

Situation 3

Remember that rock band that were playing at your local Odeon 30 years ago? The tickets were just £10 at the box office and had no rip off booking fees? If you want to see the same band now they are playing six sell out concerts a year in sports arenas where you might catch a glimpse of the action on the big television monitors. Tickets are £200, a bottle of beer is £10. Tell me that you wouldn’t have bought those tickets back in the 1980’s – if only you had a Magic Reset button.

Situation 4

Just woken up with an almighty hangover? The drummers from 20 thrash metal bands are having a “who can play the loudest” competition inside your skull? You are desperate for a glass of water, but the slightest movement might induce vomiting? You have feeling a that you didn’t get round to cleaning the toilet after you projectile vomited last night?  Do you remember saying “I can only stop for two pints, then I have to leave”? With Magic Reset you can do just that.

On reflection if I did have a real Magic Reset button I’d just make a fortune by hiring it out to Donald Trump. I think he would get more use out of it than most ordinary people.

Alastair and Daisy

Annoying Habits

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

The Silky Spoon

The other day I was accused of using the Silky Spoon. That’s when you make a cup of tea for yourself and stir extra quietly so you don’t get caught for selfishly not offering to make a cup for anyone else.

People in our house have sharp ears, but Daisy the dog has a military grade sonar detection system. The dog treats are kept in a tin on the highest shelf in the cupboard. If the tin is moved Daisy will miraculously appear from wherever she was within about 10 seconds. Daisy can hear the treats tin being opened from further away than a hungry shark can smell blood in the water.

Most annoying habits of all time

The subject of this week’s blog is annoying habits.  Here is the Discussions with My Dog list annoying habits that should only be committed if they have genuine comedy value:

The silky spoon - or more precisely getting caught with the silky spoon.

“Phaffing around” – You’ve told the dog it’s time for a walk, but it takes you 10 minutes to actually get out the door, because you can’t find something like your shoes, or the keys. Then you realise you’d better use the toilet before you go out etc. All the while the dogs are getting more and more agitated. Daisy has no patience for “phaffers”.

     Leaving empty cartons in the cupboard or the fridge. That’s plain lazy and really annoying. The next person thinks “Ah, a chocolate biscuit” only to find nothing but empty packaging.

     Turning the batteries around the wrong way in the TV remote.

     Repeatedly singing one line from a really annoying song such a Baby Shark – because you know whoever is listening will have that tune in their head for the rest of the day.

     Farting in an enclosed space, such as an elevator.

   

Alastair and Daisy

Calm Down Karen

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

Daisy is a friendly dog, her motto in life can be summed up in the words of Bill and Ted (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure) – “Be excellent to each other”. Not everybody follows this philosophy – especially Karens.

Who is Karen? Karen is a stereotype - an opinionated, over entitled, white, middle-aged women who has made complaining into an art form.
Fortunately Karens are relatively easy to spot because they come with the trademark hairdo 

Sometimes, Karens will go incognito, but will usually give themselves away verbally, for example;

• A snide comment that is just loud enough for the person they are disrespecting to hear.
• Making a whole string of unreasonable demands.
• Conversation is generally one way traffic. They aren’t listening to you.
• Repeating their demands on a continuous loop.
• No sense of humour.
• If challenged they will completely deny they have any Karen characteristics.
• (If in any doubt – the clincher) When the level of service from a shop assistan,t or the quality of goods doesn’t meet expectations Karen will announce, in a very demeaning tone, “I want to speak to the Manager”?

Karens do not like dogs like Daisy... 

- Why is she taking up so much room on the pavement?
- Why is she running off the leash, completely out of control?Why do dogs drool / have dirty paws / bark / do other things dogs are generally designed to do.

Whether it’s your mum, your sister, your wife, or your friend, we all know a Karen. In her quest to make the world a slightly better place Daisy suggests you pass on the following advice to the Karen in your life;

 If you don’t have anything positive to say, then shut up.

The guy in the retail shop earning minimum wage doesn’t get paid enough to listen to your shit.

Driving the kids the half a mile to school in your 4 litre 4x4 is excessive. Parking in the restricted zone outside the school will save you 5 minutes, but you’ve probably blocked the school bus and caused a huge tail back.

The dog in the park just wanted to say hello. The muddy paw prints on your spotlessly white Dolce and Gabbana trousers add character to your outfit.

Calm down and be excellent to each other. 

Editor’s note - If your name actually is Karen, you are 40 + years old, wear your hair in a short blonde bob and you are nothing like this whatsoever, then please address your concerns to the Manager of this web site. A full apology will be forthcoming.

Alastair and Daisy