Holiday

 

We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

The other day, I was complaining to Sir Dickon about the fact that I haven’t been on holiday since the Coronavirus outbreak. Out of curiosity I wondered if people had holidays in the 14^th Century. It turns out things weren’t so different back then. The travel agency business was cornered by the Catholic Church and they offered two options.

The Pilgrimage – best suited to older people who are looking for a more leisurely break. Pilgrimage’s were low budget. Holiday attire was basically a sack cloth shirt and bare feet. Travel costs were minimal, you just walked to a shrine and back.

Sir Dickon preferred the more adventurous type of holiday, otherwise known as a Crusade. You needed a proper outfit for crusading – a full suit of armour, helmet, shield, broadsword and a war horse. At least it included a cruise to a place that was hot and sunny.

On a crusade you could take part in many action activities such as a siege, a skirmish, or a battle. With the opportunity for looting, it was actually like getting paid to go on holiday. On the downside there was a fairly high risk of death, disease, serious injury, capture and/or imprisonment.

Sir Dickon has just booked himself on a Club 18 – 30s holiday to Ibiza. He read the brochure and said it sounds pretty much like a crusade.

We all need a little more culture

We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

“The call of the siren doth ring across this fair land …”

Is the opening line of a poem by the famous medieval bard Simon Spoutshite. Today, most of the population don’t have the concentration span to read a poem, a book or even a newspaper – they just want to watch a video of someone being a dumb ass. We need to rediscover culture.

I asked Sir Dickon to research the internet and find some examples of classic 14^th Century literature that we can share on this blog.

Twelve hours later …

Me “So what have you found”?
Sir D “Classic poetry is lame, I found something much better”.
Me “What might that be”?
Sir D “Porn hub”.

In case you're late back from the pub

We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

It’s as true today as it was 700 years ago, menfolk occasionally get back from the pub later than they had promised. We asked Sir Dickon to let us know some of the excuses that he has actually used.

3 hours late excuse
My idiot Squire, Edmund Arse-hat, drank too much wine and fell down the well. It took us several hours to haul him out.

Overnight late excuse
There was a case of the plague in the village, so we were all locked in the Inn as a safety precaution.

One-week late excuse
A Scots army invaded and laid siege to the village. By the end of the week, we had drunk every drop of ale in the town, so the Scots packed up and pissed off home.

Three years late excuse
Sir Dickon found a notice in the Readers Digest that there was a recruitment campaign to go on a Crusade. Things got a little out of hand, and, after too many pots of ale he woke up on-board a ship bound for the Holy Land. 

Haircuts

 Sir Dickon was surprised to learn that in North Korea men can chose from 7 styles of haircut, approved by the illustrious leader. He was downright shocked when I told him that anywhere else in the world you can have whatever hair style you desire.

In the 14^th Century there were two types of haircut for men. The clergy had a tonsure, everyone else had a pot cut. For the pot cut, the barber placed an empty piss-pot on the customer’s head and simply cut around the edge. If you went to a high-class barber shop, they would even wash the piss-pot out first.

The monks tonsure is similar to the pot cut but they also shave a bald patch in the middle.

I asked why monks cut their hair this way? Was it so when an angel flew over the realm he could count the number of men who were dedicated to doing God’s work? Sir Dickon had a different explanation:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IU28GHMcYxM

Introducing Sir Dickon

 

Throughout 2020, Daisy the dog has been dispensing invaluable advice. Is the world a better place at the start of 2021? Probably not. Perhaps Daisy hasn’t been expressing herself in the right way, or perhaps she just needs some help.

So, Discussions with My Dog have hired a life coach; someone who can dish out plain and simple solutions to everyday problems. Let me introduce you to Sir Dickon d’ Latrine, magically transported to 2021 from the 14^th Century. Let’s see if some Medieval wisdom can solve the conundrums of the 21^st Century.

Sir Dickon lists his occupation as Knight of the Realm and slayer of dickheads. His pass-times are drinking ale, pillaging, wenching and scratching his arse in contemplation. Sir Dickon has no concept of political correctness, he just calls it as it is.

We’ll start with a simple one – time -

How to distribute your time correctly

Modern society is obsessed with time, we measure our life by the hour, the minute, and the second. Sir Dickon says there are just 4 important times in a day

• Arise at sunrise
• Go to sleep after dark
• Meal-time

and his personal favourite

• Time to take a shite

Everything else is just the filling in between.

Check in next week for more “Sir Dickon explains…”.