Daisy sits in the director's chair

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog.

This week Discussions With My Dog are giving Hollywood a makeover. Daisy shares her thoughts on 10 iconic films and in some cases suggests how the scripts could be improved.

1. The hound of the Baskervilles
Sherlock Holmes catches the hound inside 10 minutes by luring him with a jumbo bag of doggie treats.

2. Halloween
Don’t those people get it? After 11 films you’d think they would have learnt to leave town on 31^st October.

3. Gone with the Wind
Rhett Butler has been fighting in the Civil War. Good rations were hard to come by and he’s been living off beans and coffee for months.  He returns home with severe flatulence. Maybe Scarlett O’Hara won’t notice, as long as he stays outside the chronic farting will just be ‘Gone with the Wind’.

4. Jaws
People who drop plastic in the oceans get their legs chomped off by great white sharks.

5. Titanic
Since they left port in England, the Captain has had to endure Celine Dionne wailing ‘My heart will go on’. Quite frankly it is driving him nuts – he won’t last the voyage to New York.  He sends an order to the bridge “full steam ahead due north, don’t stop until we hit something.”

6. Star Wars III – closing scene when Darth Vader lays dying;
Vader  “Luke, there is something I must tell you”.
Luke “I know, you are my father”.
Vader “That’s what I thought. But I have now discovered the truth. I was away from home a lot before you were born, despatching enemies with my light sabre. Your father was actually the milkman”.
Luke “But I am destined to learn the ways of the Jedi”.
Vader “Obi Wan was wrong, he should have sent you to the Dairy to learn your apprenticeship”.

7. American Pie
Great film, but what a terrible waste of a pie.

8. Layer Cake
This film was released under false pretences. Daisy watched the whole thing and didn’t see a single slice of cake.

9. Driving Miss Daisy
Not seen the film but this sounds perfect, her own chauffeur driven ride to the park.

10. Jurassic Park
Daisy doesn’t want to be a lurcher anymore, she wants to be a velociraptor.

Alastair and Daisy

Dogs don't diet

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

This week Daisy and I are discussing diets.

If you need to lose some weight and are considering what diet would be the most effective this blog will be of no help whatsoever. Nevertheless, here is Daisy’s take on the ten most popular diets.

1/ Calorie control diet

Me – you have to weigh all your portions and calculate your calorie intake.

Daisy – I’m not very good at maths, I’m a dog.

 

2/ Weight Watchers

Me – you have a weekly meeting with the other dieters and get weighed. If you have lost a couple of pounds, they give you a begrudging round of applause. 

Daisy – what if you haven’t lost weight?

Me - you get publicly fat-shamed.

3/ The Atkins Diet – low carbohydrate with special snack bars.

Me – I call this one the Fatkins diet – because it sounds funny. I imagine a guy called Terry Fatkins, he’s started every diet in the book but he has the willpower of a woodlouse. By day three he’s back on Mars Bars for breakfast and hasn’t lost a single pound.

Daisy - Come on Fatkins, get the lead out and let’s go run round the park.

 

4/ No Carb Diet – no bread, starch or potatoes

Me – not sure if I could give up chips, sandwiches or pastries.

Daisy - I wouldn’t give those up either.

 

5/ Mediterranean Diet – fish, fresh veg and olive oil.

Me – I wonder if that includes Pizza.

Daisy - I love pizza, but can you leave some more cheese and sauce on the crusts when you give them to me.

 

6/ Flexitarian diet – mainly vegetable, with the odd meat dish when necessary

Daisy – can I have meat and no vegetables.

Me – as long as you are being flexible.

7/ High Fibre diet

Daisy – what does that mean?

Me – not really sure, maybe bran flakes for breakfast and baked beans for dinner?

Daisy – I’m willing to try, but can you deal with the farting?

 

8/ Tex Mex – Spicy Burritos and hot chilli dogs

Me – sounds a bit volatile.

Daisy – better leave the back door open, bowel control will be a close call.

 

9/ Nutritious shake diet – mix of random and bizarre ingredients pulped together in a blender

Me – sounds delightful. 

Daisy – Daisy’s do not like swamp juice – see our other post – here - for more details.

 

10 / The beer diet

Me – Confession I made that up, but it’s the only way I’m going to get a six pack.

Daisy – I don’t mind if you stop at the pub when we go for a walk.

 

Alastair and Daisy 

Doggy Duties

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

Dogs can be useful around the house helping-out with the daily chores. Although, sometimes assistance can be a bloody nuisance. I’ll give you an example.

Me “Looks like the grass needs cutting”

Daisy “OMG lawnmower day !!!”

Lawnmower day is super exciting in Daisy’s world and a chance to play one of her favourite games. When she was a puppy, she used to bark at the lawnmower and snap at the wheels. Now she’s older and wiser, she has found a better way to make gardening fun.

Lawnmower day starts with hauling the machine out of the shed and hoping it will start. Daisy circles the lawnmower in anticipation, then she will disappear because she has just remembered the most important accessory for lawn mowing. We need Ball.

Ball used to be a perfectly functional size 5 leather football. Nowadays he’s a sad and battered looking football who got punctured 5 minutes after Daisy discovered him in a hedge in the park. He resembles a bean bag that’s been left at the bottom of the garden all winter. Ball is no longer aerodynamic. Even with a hefty kick he won’t go more than 30 feet.

The lawnmower is up and running, and I’ve started my first strip. Daisy drops Ball in front of the lawnmower. I stop mowing, carefully holding the automatic cut off lever, edge round the side until I can stretch a foot far enough to kick Ball. Just before I’m inside kicking range Daisy grabs Ball and retreats two paces.

Daisy “Ha, that fooled you”.

I haven’t figured out why, but this is an essential part of the game.

After a while I ignore Daisy and Ball and focus on mowing straight strips. Daisy moves to phase two, leaving the ball, directly in front of the lawnmower to be kicked. I pause to kick Ball. Daisy hares off after Ball and deposits it back in the path of the lawnmower. Daisy is very efficient and can return Ball about twice per strip.

At some point Daisy will inform me “Dad, I dropped Ball in the swimming pool. You need to stop mowing and rescue Ball”. Now I have to break off completely.

Lawn mowing is tiring, we have a tea break.

Daisy” “OMG, you have biscuits. Biscuits on lawn mowing day, it must be Christmas and my birthday. Can I have a biscuit?”

Me “OK, you can have half”.

Daisy swallows the biscuit. I doubt it even touches the sides. “Hurry up and finish your tea, don’t you realise we have a lawn to mow”.

That’s why it takes me twice as long to mow the lawn as my neighbour.

Alastair and Daisy

Celebrity match

This is Discussions With My Dog.

In a previous blog Daisy and I gave some pointers on matchmaking between different types of dog and people.

Still having trouble deciding? It’s a well-known saying that a dog resembles their owners (or vice versa). Try matching your personality to the following film, TV or celebrity characters to find your ideal pooch.

Big mouth, big heart and able to drive a car with your bare feet?

Character = Fred Flintstone.
Dog = Dino. (Dino was more dinosaur than canine but something big, boisterous and daft as a box of frogs).

Nosy neighbour type, always needing to borrow a cup of sugar from next-door?

Character = Jim from Friday night dinner.

Dog = Wilson. Completely, unruly Alsatian.

Hopeless romantic, sensitive astro-physicist?

Character = Raj from Big Bang Theory.
Dog = Cinnamon. Yorkshire Terrier kitted out in matching attire with his / her owner.

Cool, confident, retired assassin? “If you harm my dog I will not hesitate to eliminate you,  your family and all your known associates.”

Character = John Wick.

Dog = Daisy the Beagle. (What a brilliant name for a dog).

Immaculate manners and infinitely well-respected personage?

Character = Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.

Dog = a Corgi.

Smartly dressed, alien conspiracy theory believer?

Character – Agent Zed, Men in Black.

Dog = Frank the Pug.

Dirty rotten scoundrel?

Character = Dick Dastardly

Dog = Mutley, another dog of very uncertain background.

Ideal dog for a delinquent child. Likes soap-box go carts, catapults, scrumping apples and tormenting softies.

Character = Denis the Menace.

Dog = Gnasher, a wire-haired Abyssinian Terrier.

Goofy teenager with an obsession for fast food and haunted mansions.

Character = Shaggy.

Dog = Scooby Doo. Great Dane with an insatiable appetite.

Someone who works in the scrap metal industry and lives in a caravan.

Character – This dog doesn’t have an owner, but he’s very attached to his squeaky toy.
Dog - Bow from the film Snatch. Staffordshire Bull Terrier. 

And finally - despicable super villain, scheming to take over the world.

Character – Dr Evil.
Dog - Not exactly Mr Bigglesworth the cat!!

Alastair and Daisy