Confessions of a bored housewife

 

Raise your hand if you were expecting to see porno when you clicked on this link. Sorry, if your fantasy has just been drenched by a bucket of ice-cold reality.

When a bored housewife wakes up in the morning, she has a few options.

1.       Clean the kitchen

2.       Dust the house from top to bottom

3.       Take the dog for a walk.

4.       Log on to Amazon and buy something frivolous

99% of the time they go option 4. Shortly afterwards she remembers that the credit card has been maxed out but since the phone / tablet / PC is switched on she may as well browse social media and some random shit on-line.

Three hours later bored housewife realises she has wasted the whole morning down some internet rabbit hole. This is followed by a guilt attack and an intense desire to do something creative to compensate for those lost hours. Whilst browsing the internet she came across a video of a guy walking face first into a plate glass door he thought was open. That was LOL funny.

She decides to recreate the incident herself. This is what we ended up with …

CRIME AND PUNISHMENT

 

We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

I read on the internet that 18 months ago they changed the law in California, so theft of goods valued at less than $1,000 would be treated as a misdemeanour rather than a felony. (Unlike some things on this blog page, this shit is actually true). Consequently, incidents of shoplifting have shot through the roof.

Back in medieval times, crime levels were very low because there was an effective system of punishments. Sir Dickon explains;

Today the authorities go through a long, drawn-out process of taking people to court. A trial isn’t necessary if you have a confession. Criminals who were interviewed on the rack in the 14^th Century, provided a full signed confession in 100% of cases. The rack is a torture device which is designed to slowly winch a person’s arms out of the sockets.

Once they have confessed, medieval judges could sentence an offender a whole range a grisly punishments including:

- hanging

- beheading,

- being boiled alive,

- being burnt alive

and the classic…

- hung, drawn, and quartered

The reoffending rate in the 14^th Century was Nil.

I asked Sir D if he is aware of any punishments in the 21^st Century that might be considered even more terrifying than the middle ages. He informed me there is – free tickets to see Justin Bieber, not just one show – the whole damn tour!

Good ole' US of A

 

We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

Sir Dickon is quite fascinated with the USA, in the medieval times Europeans didn’t know the American continent even existed. The USA doesn’t do ordinary, they like to max out. Here is his quick research guide on what’s great, awful, and in-between about America.

THE BAD

Sir D realises that in the 20th Century it is no longer acceptable to beat and torture the peasants, even if they are useless twats. The Americans have, however, invented more cruel and insidious ways for large companies to abuse their employees and it’s all completely legal – send them on a team building course. Check out our other blog for more  insight on this barbaric practice.

The UGLY

The average person in the USA consumes more calories per day than people in any other country. Probably good news for the fat bastard community. Not so good if you are livestock.

THE GOOD

The greatest thing to come out of America is … Stacey’s Mom. Watch this video and tell us if you disagree.

Football

 

We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

Sir Dickon has just been watching football on television. He is lamenting that he really doesn’t recognise the modern game and is flabbergasted by how much it costs. Just look at the comparisions.

Equipment
Modern – the Video Assisted Referee system (VAR television replays to help referee’s check important penalty decisions) in the Premier League costs over £9,000 for each game.

Medieval – the only thing you needed was a ball - an inflated pig’s bladder - which cost pennies.

Rules

Modern – there are 17 rules for football, but they cover 150 pages.

Medieval – no eye gouging and no kicking in the testicles. Pretty much anything else is allowed.

Venue

Modern – when it was built, the new Wembley Stadium cost £798 million.

Medieval – their pitch was the village high street. The goals were where the houses stopped at either end.

Players

Modern – Lionel Messi earns £500,000 per week playing for Barcelona – for just 90 minutes work.

Medieval – every able-bodied man in the village. They played for pride and a satisfying tankard of ale after the match.

Injuries

Modern – sore ankle, stretched hamstring – the sort of thing a real man would turn up for work with the next day.

Medieval – broken arms, fractured jaw, dislocated knee cap – and they still had to turn up for work the next day.

I don’t dare tell Sir D that women are allowed to play football.