Football

 

We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

Sir Dickon has just been watching football on television. He is lamenting that he really doesn’t recognise the modern game and is flabbergasted by how much it costs. Just look at the comparisions.

Equipment
Modern – the Video Assisted Referee system (VAR television replays to help referee’s check important penalty decisions) in the Premier League costs over £9,000 for each game.

Medieval – the only thing you needed was a ball - an inflated pig’s bladder - which cost pennies.

Rules

Modern – there are 17 rules for football, but they cover 150 pages.

Medieval – no eye gouging and no kicking in the testicles. Pretty much anything else is allowed.

Venue

Modern – when it was built, the new Wembley Stadium cost £798 million.

Medieval – their pitch was the village high street. The goals were where the houses stopped at either end.

Players

Modern – Lionel Messi earns £500,000 per week playing for Barcelona – for just 90 minutes work.

Medieval – every able-bodied man in the village. They played for pride and a satisfying tankard of ale after the match.

Injuries

Modern – sore ankle, stretched hamstring – the sort of thing a real man would turn up for work with the next day.

Medieval – broken arms, fractured jaw, dislocated knee cap – and they still had to turn up for work the next day.

I don’t dare tell Sir D that women are allowed to play football.