Mansplaining and Dogsplaining

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

In the old days, men made all the rules. We know this system worked perfectly well because it says so in the history books (which were all written by men).

These days things are a little more tricky for blokes because there are laws about equality and discrimination. Men have to be more creative to stay ahead in the battle of the sexes, so they have resorted to some fairly dirty tactics i.e., ‘mansplaining.’

The Definition of mansplaining: the explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.
This is an excellent example.

Before you can effectively mansplain, you have to understand a few rules:

1. Act as though you are the world’s most renown expert on the subject you are mansplaining.

2. You don’t need an invitation to mansplain something – women are always grateful to listen to your advice.

3. A perfect mansplain should end with the woman still rather confused and forced to admit that it’s the sort of thing that only a man would understand.

4. If the lady contradicts you she obviously hasn’t understood and you should mansplain in more simple terms.

5. If you really get stuck (the woman appears to know more than you do) introduce an analogy about the offside rule in football and proceed to mansplain that.

6. The only time it is acceptable to mansplain to a group of men is in the pub after a few pints.

So, if mansplaining isn’t an effective form of communication, then we need something else. Perhaps Dogsplaining?

I’ll give you a few examples of how Daisy the dog can make sense of very complex problems:

Me - So why is my dinner always more interesting than yours?
Daisy - Let’s swap what’s on your plate for my dog bowl.

Me - Do you need really a walk tonight?
Daisy - I’ve been sitting here staring at the wall for 3 hours waiting for you to come home. Of course I need a walk.

Me: When I let you out in the garden at midnight for a wee, is it absolutely necessary to bark your head off for 5 minutes and wake up the neighbours?

Daisy: Hell YES!

Alastair and Daisy

Magic Reset Button

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

When you are playing a video game and your car crashes, or you fall into a pit of molten lava, or you meet some other unfortunate ending, you always have the option of pressing ‘Reset’ i.e. starting the level again, just go back and fix your mistakes before they happened. What if you could have a Magic Reset button in real life? It would have an infinite amount of possible uses. Here are just a few examples:

Situation 1

You’re out for an afternoon stroll on the village green. Your dog is trotting along happily by your side. The sun is shining, the birds are singing in the trees. You notice the dog is going into the ‘squat and shuffle round in circles’ routine, the one they do to find the perfect place for a shite. Once the ideal spot has been located, no amount of pleading or persuasion will get them to move. Today’s perfect place is in the middle of the cricketpitch.
About 50 people are watching your dog produce a steaming pile. If Dr Who’s Tardis had appeared in the exact same space it would be attracting less attention. You dip your hand into your pocket, into another pocket, and into every possible crevice in your clothing – You numpty. You have forgotten the poop bags, and all these interested onlookers are staring, waiting for you to clear up the crap. No problem you say, I’ll just hit the Magic Reset button for half an hour ago and remember to collect the poop bags from the car.

Situation 2

 I arrive downstairs in the morning to find that Daisy has ransacked the bin and strewn chewed up food wrappings across the floor.

Me - ”What the heck is all this mess”?

Daisy - “I call it recycling”.

Me - “You’re a bad dog. If I had a Magic Reset button, we could put everything back as it was”.

Daisy - “That’s a brilliant Idea. I’d get to go bin foraging all over again”.

Situation 3

Remember that rock band that were playing at your local Odeon 30 years ago? The tickets were just £10 at the box office and had no rip off booking fees? If you want to see the same band now they are playing six sell out concerts a year in sports arenas where you might catch a glimpse of the action on the big television monitors. Tickets are £200, a bottle of beer is £10. Tell me that you wouldn’t have bought those tickets back in the 1980’s – if only you had a Magic Reset button.

Situation 4

Just woken up with an almighty hangover? The drummers from 20 thrash metal bands are having a “who can play the loudest” competition inside your skull? You are desperate for a glass of water, but the slightest movement might induce vomiting? You have feeling a that you didn’t get round to cleaning the toilet after you projectile vomited last night?  Do you remember saying “I can only stop for two pints, then I have to leave”? With Magic Reset you can do just that.

On reflection if I did have a real Magic Reset button I’d just make a fortune by hiring it out to Donald Trump. I think he would get more use out of it than most ordinary people.

Alastair and Daisy

Annoying Habits

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

The Silky Spoon

The other day I was accused of using the Silky Spoon. That’s when you make a cup of tea for yourself and stir extra quietly so you don’t get caught for selfishly not offering to make a cup for anyone else.

People in our house have sharp ears, but Daisy the dog has a military grade sonar detection system. The dog treats are kept in a tin on the highest shelf in the cupboard. If the tin is moved Daisy will miraculously appear from wherever she was within about 10 seconds. Daisy can hear the treats tin being opened from further away than a hungry shark can smell blood in the water.

Most annoying habits of all time

The subject of this week’s blog is annoying habits.  Here is the Discussions with My Dog list annoying habits that should only be committed if they have genuine comedy value:

The silky spoon - or more precisely getting caught with the silky spoon.

“Phaffing around” – You’ve told the dog it’s time for a walk, but it takes you 10 minutes to actually get out the door, because you can’t find something like your shoes, or the keys. Then you realise you’d better use the toilet before you go out etc. All the while the dogs are getting more and more agitated. Daisy has no patience for “phaffers”.

     Leaving empty cartons in the cupboard or the fridge. That’s plain lazy and really annoying. The next person thinks “Ah, a chocolate biscuit” only to find nothing but empty packaging.

     Turning the batteries around the wrong way in the TV remote.

     Repeatedly singing one line from a really annoying song such a Baby Shark – because you know whoever is listening will have that tune in their head for the rest of the day.

     Farting in an enclosed space, such as an elevator.

   

Alastair and Daisy

Calm Down Karen

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

Daisy is a friendly dog, her motto in life can be summed up in the words of Bill and Ted (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure) – “Be excellent to each other”. Not everybody follows this philosophy – especially Karens.

Who is Karen? Karen is a stereotype - an opinionated, over entitled, white, middle-aged women who has made complaining into an art form.
Fortunately Karens are relatively easy to spot because they come with the trademark hairdo 

Sometimes, Karens will go incognito, but will usually give themselves away verbally, for example;

• A snide comment that is just loud enough for the person they are disrespecting to hear.
• Making a whole string of unreasonable demands.
• Conversation is generally one way traffic. They aren’t listening to you.
• Repeating their demands on a continuous loop.
• No sense of humour.
• If challenged they will completely deny they have any Karen characteristics.
• (If in any doubt – the clincher) When the level of service from a shop assistan,t or the quality of goods doesn’t meet expectations Karen will announce, in a very demeaning tone, “I want to speak to the Manager”?

Karens do not like dogs like Daisy... 

- Why is she taking up so much room on the pavement?
- Why is she running off the leash, completely out of control?Why do dogs drool / have dirty paws / bark / do other things dogs are generally designed to do.

Whether it’s your mum, your sister, your wife, or your friend, we all know a Karen. In her quest to make the world a slightly better place Daisy suggests you pass on the following advice to the Karen in your life;

 If you don’t have anything positive to say, then shut up.

The guy in the retail shop earning minimum wage doesn’t get paid enough to listen to your shit.

Driving the kids the half a mile to school in your 4 litre 4x4 is excessive. Parking in the restricted zone outside the school will save you 5 minutes, but you’ve probably blocked the school bus and caused a huge tail back.

The dog in the park just wanted to say hello. The muddy paw prints on your spotlessly white Dolce and Gabbana trousers add character to your outfit.

Calm down and be excellent to each other. 

Editor’s note - If your name actually is Karen, you are 40 + years old, wear your hair in a short blonde bob and you are nothing like this whatsoever, then please address your concerns to the Manager of this web site. A full apology will be forthcoming.

Alastair and Daisy