Lost in translation

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

Have you ever tried to learn a foreign language?

The words are different and they are in a different order, sometimes even after you’ve mastered the words it still doesn’t translate the way you intended. It’s the same when people speak to dogs, as explained in the following scenarios:

Walkies

Me: Do you want to go for a walk?

Daisy: Do bears shit in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic?

Me: OK, calm down while I find the lead.

Daisy: I’m so excited 🎶 I’m going to bounce around the hallway like a demented space-hopper until we go out the door.

Share and share alike

Me: OMG who farted?

Daisy: C’mon what’s a small air biscuit between friends.

Me: What the heck have you been eating.

Daisy: If you let me have the left-over curry dish, there are bound to be consequences.

Catch me if you can... bitch

Me: I think you could do with a bath.

Daisy: Dumbass, you left the back door open. Good luck trying to catch me any time in the next half an hour.

Innocent until proven guilty

Me: Who chewed up the shoe/book/packaging

Daisy: It wasn’t me.🎶

Me: Who’s been snaffling food from the cupboard.

Daisy: It wasn’t me.

Me: Then what is all this ripped up packaging doing on the floor.

Daisy: They were empty when I found them.

I got 99 problems, but money aint 1

Me: You’ve lost your tennis ball. Go find it.

Daisy: Can’t remember where I dropped it.

Me: That’s the third one this week, now I have to go to the shop and buy more. Do you realise how much money this is costing?

Daisy: What’s money?

You don’t know what’s good for me!

Me: Please stop looking at me like that.

Daisy: That was my ‘hungry eyes expression’🎶. If you don’t like that, I can do ‘absolutely famished’ or ‘edge of starvation’.

Me: You wouldn’t like what I’m eating.

Daisy: I think I would be the best judge of that.

Me: This type of food isn’t designed for dogs. It will make you fat.

Daisy: Now I’m being deprived of food and exercise!!!?

Here's a great example of words getting lost in translation:

Deck maintanence - keeping it hard

Alastair and Daisy

What dog should I get?

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

I sometimes wonder how I ended up getting a dog like Daisy.

If you are considering acquiring a dog but not sure which breed is right for you, I have devised a simple multiple-choice test to help.

 My perfect match test

Score yourself; 1 point for answer (a), 2 points for answer (b), 3 for (c) and 4 for (d).

1/ How important do you consider recall? 

(If you don’t know what recall means, please refer to my previous post …  "about Daisy"

(a) Very important, my dog should come when called.

(b) My dog should come if I raise my voice.

(c) My dog will come if bribed with a treat.

(d) Purely optional, my dog will come when it’s ready.

2/ If the doorbell rings during dinner, would you...

(a) Go directly to the door?

(b) First put your plate in a high place away from the dog’s temptation?

(c) First lock your dinner in a cupboard?

(d) Ignore the doorbell knowing if you return after 5 minutes the dinner will be history?

3/ During dinner time, would your dog be...

(a) In a kennel?

(b) Lying under the table minding its own business?

(c) Beside your chair patiently waiting for a treat?

(d) Sitting eye-level with the table and may resort to drooling if not fed?

4/ If your dog slipped the lead, and you have to pursue it, are you…

(a) Hopelessly unfit, couldn’t jog more than 50 yards if your life depended on it?

(b) Quite fit, can run 1 mile?

(c) Usain Bolt?

(d) Know when you’re beaten and wait for the dog to return in its own sweet time?

5/ Is your garden

(a) Non-existent, you live in a flat?

(b) A townhouse courtyard?

(c) Neatly trimmed lawns and flower beds?

(d) Needs work but has several trees that are home to squirrels?

6/ How should your dog smell?

(a) Pleasantly perfumed.

(b) Just a whiff of doggyness.

(c) Like a wet sock that has been at the bottom of the washing basket for a week.

(d) Jasmine and dead sea salt because he/she rolled in something unmentionable when you were out for a walk and you’ve just given him/her another bath.

7/ What sort of dog person are you?

(a) You would buy fashion accessories for your little darling

(b) An average dog owner

(c) A gamekeeper or country type

(d) Like the honest chaps in this video clip?

Now tally up your score and find your compatible pet

Less than 9 points          – let’s face it, you don’t understand dogs, get a cat or a goldfish.

From 10 to 16 points      – a poodle, chihuahua or possibly a fat terrier.

From 17 to 24 points      – proper dog owners - Spaniels, Labradors, Alsatians.

25 points +                      – congratulations you are brave/daft/mad enough 
                                            to get a Lurcher.

Alastair and Daisy

Weather Blog

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

People are obsessed with the weather. I’ll bet when you switch on your PC, tablet or phone one of the first things you see is a Weather App.  That’s certainly true in the UK where the weather is quite variable. In some other parts of the world it’s probably more predictable e.g.

Daisy’s approach to the weather is very practical;

Me – It’s a beautiful sunny day.

Daisy – Let’s go to the woods.

Me – A bit overcast, might be showers.

Daisy – Man up, put your coat on., we’re going to the park.

Me – It’s raining., the park will be wet and muddy.

Daisy – No problem, let’s go to the beach.


A history of meteorologists 

Weather forecasting for people is a little more complicated and has been the subject of a huge conspiracy which has been uncovered by ‘Discussions with my dog’. If you regularly check the weather forecast, you’ll have worked out it is fairly unreliable., this all dates back to the early days of television. Some clever chaps working at the BBC went to the Broadcasting Director and suggested running a daily forecast. In order to do this, they needed several thousand pounds to invest in some new-fangled equipment, weather balloons and a super-computer that could predict the weather. 

The Broadcasting Director reluctantly agreed to their exorbitant demands. The clever chaps in the Meteorologists Department were actually a bunch of old reprobates and they spent most of the budget in the pub getting pissed. Instead of a super-computer they made a machine a bit like the Twister game. You spin the arrow, where it stops gives you the reading. For regions such as Scotland for example, there are four possible outcomes that are accurate 90% of the time;

1. Could be a bright start with a risk of showers later.
2. Damp and drizzly.
3. Cold and drizzly.
4. Pissing down with rain.
When the Meteorologists drinking fund dried-up, they went back to the Broadcasting Director to inform him they needed to upgrade to an even more expensive super-computer. Of course, it’s become a bit more challenging to blag the forecast with the Twister machine in the modern age of the internet and instant communication. Fortunately, there is a new phenomenon to explain this - Global Warming - it’s making the weather very unpredictable and difficult to forecast.

[Brody the Golden Retriever is the new meteorologist in town] 

If you’ve been planning a day out and been let down by a dodgy weather forecast, I suggest you pop down the Off Licence and buy a couple of bottles wine or beer, stay indoors, raise a glass to those splendid chaps in the Meteorology Department, and play a game of Twister with the kids.

Alastair and Daisy

Flat-pack furniture for DUMMIES

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

You will often hear animals referred to as dumb creatures, but monumental stupidity can only be truly achieved by one species that inhabits this planet – people. I was reminded of this when I needed to clean up after Daisy’s morning ablutions. On the packaging of the dog poop bags were instructions on how to use them – how thick do you have to be to require instructions on how to pick-up dog shit?

Since the 1900's the general populations intelligence has been sinking

Need proof...? Keep on reading.

I gave this issue some further thought. In 1992 an elderly American woman named Stella Lieberman scalded herself when she spilt hot coffee onto her lap in a McDonalds restaurant. She sued McDonalds and was awarded $2.9m in damages by a jury in New Mexico. An American journalist, Randy Cassingham, made a career out of publicising the unfathomable willingness of the American legal system to reward cretins who have suffered an injustice through their own stupidity – all explained in his book ‘The True Stella Awards.’ So, it’s probably not the manufacturers fault, they’re just protecting themselves.

 I was going to use this blog to quote some examples of pointless instructions found on products but I can’t complete with this - see what "boredpanda" has to say - these guys have absolutely nailed it.

The problem I wish to share, is when you find yourself part of the dumb ass brigade because you are really struggling to understand simple instructions. Nowhere is this more apparent than the instructions for flat-pack furniture. 

Here are some helpful hints for DIY heroes;

1.       The single most important part of the instructions – which most people ignore – is the list of parts. 20 minutes spent checking all the parts are present will save you hours of pain constructing a piece of furniture you can’t finish because a vital part is missing.

2.       The instructions will give you an estimated completion time for two people. Reality check – this is the world record time for assembly of the piece of furniture by two skilled craftsmen using production line power tools. The second person on your team is usually your wife whose main contribution is telling you where you have gone wrong.

3.       Most of the pieces look remarkably similar to other pieces, but they won’t fit.

4.       By about page 3 you’ll get bored with the instructions - you’re a man and you can work this out without need for directions.

5.       At the end of the build you will have several pieces left over. This is because you didn’t do #1 but you did do #4.

6.       You swear you will never again buy a piece of self-assembly furniture.

So, in summary, in an intelligence contest between man and dog, the dog will win on account that no dog has ever bought an item of flat pack furniture.

Alastair and Daisy

Let's fix music

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

Daisy’s favourite type of walk starts with getting in the car. On the way we often listen to some music, either a CD or the radio. If you were to ask me what songs I’d listened to when we’d got out of the car the chances are, I couldn’t remember a single one, that’s because most modern music is bland and forgettable. If I can remember a song it was probably written in the 60’s or 70’s or by a band that started in that era (I might stretch to the 80’s or even some later bands who fit the guidelines below).

Have people lost the ability to write great songs? Probably not. They just need some help.

Daisy’s rules on what makes a great band

1.   Ditch the computers - IMMEDIATELY. A piano or an organ is fine, but any key which does anything other than play a note is prohibited. A band that uses computer generated music is compensating for their lack of talent.

2.   A ‘sample’ is a measure of urine which you give to the doctor. It has no place in a song.
Lip syncing should be a criminal offence. A band must be able to play all their songs live. The only exception to this is the middle section of Queens’ Bohemian Rhapsody. If you can’t play it, then your material is fake.

3.   A band must include a drummer – a real person. Would you ever go to a concert and listen to an extended drum solo played by a machine? Never. Daisy thinks the drummer is the most important member of a band. After a brilliant drum solo the drummer usually tossed his sticks into the audience and Daisy loves to chase sticks.

4.   A song can last more than three minutes, that’s called creativity. When played live, a five-minute song can last 20 minutes, provided it includes an epic guitar solo.
Lyrics should be sung, not spoken.

5.   The lead singer should use a microphone on a stand, not one of those silly blobs of foam taped to their cheek. It makes you look like a dick. The front-man in a rock band makes the mic stand part of the performance.

6.   One set of clothes per show is sufficient in the wardrobe department. Changing your costume does not make the music sound any better. Catsuits, lycra and cowboy hats are perfectly acceptable attire for rock musicians and professional wrestlers, otherwise they should not be worn by gentlemen.

7.   Choreographed dancers are generally surplus to requirement. They are like gift wrapping for presents.

8.   Boy bands should be escorted to the back of the arena to face a firing squad armed with shotguns loaded with duck shit.

22. We Will Rock You - Queen Live in Montreal 1981 [1080p HD Blu-Ray Mux]

The story of Montreal. Here is why you can watch it now in such spectacular quality. http://www.brianmay.com/brian/brianss... Saul Swimmer had the idea that he could film a Queen concert, in a very high quality 35 mm double anamorphic way. For a start, we were not on tour, so all the sound and lights and production and CREW had to be ...

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Alastair and Daisy