Flat-pack furniture for DUMMIES

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

You will often hear animals referred to as dumb creatures, but monumental stupidity can only be truly achieved by one species that inhabits this planet – people. I was reminded of this when I needed to clean up after Daisy’s morning ablutions. On the packaging of the dog poop bags were instructions on how to use them – how thick do you have to be to require instructions on how to pick-up dog shit?

Since the 1900's the general populations intelligence has been sinking

Need proof...? Keep on reading.

I gave this issue some further thought. In 1992 an elderly American woman named Stella Lieberman scalded herself when she spilt hot coffee onto her lap in a McDonalds restaurant. She sued McDonalds and was awarded $2.9m in damages by a jury in New Mexico. An American journalist, Randy Cassingham, made a career out of publicising the unfathomable willingness of the American legal system to reward cretins who have suffered an injustice through their own stupidity – all explained in his book ‘The True Stella Awards.’ So, it’s probably not the manufacturers fault, they’re just protecting themselves.

 I was going to use this blog to quote some examples of pointless instructions found on products but I can’t complete with this - see what "boredpanda" has to say - these guys have absolutely nailed it.

The problem I wish to share, is when you find yourself part of the dumb ass brigade because you are really struggling to understand simple instructions. Nowhere is this more apparent than the instructions for flat-pack furniture. 

Here are some helpful hints for DIY heroes;

1.       The single most important part of the instructions – which most people ignore – is the list of parts. 20 minutes spent checking all the parts are present will save you hours of pain constructing a piece of furniture you can’t finish because a vital part is missing.

2.       The instructions will give you an estimated completion time for two people. Reality check – this is the world record time for assembly of the piece of furniture by two skilled craftsmen using production line power tools. The second person on your team is usually your wife whose main contribution is telling you where you have gone wrong.

3.       Most of the pieces look remarkably similar to other pieces, but they won’t fit.

4.       By about page 3 you’ll get bored with the instructions - you’re a man and you can work this out without need for directions.

5.       At the end of the build you will have several pieces left over. This is because you didn’t do #1 but you did do #4.

6.       You swear you will never again buy a piece of self-assembly furniture.

So, in summary, in an intelligence contest between man and dog, the dog will win on account that no dog has ever bought an item of flat pack furniture.

Alastair and Daisy