You can tell a lot about a man by his choice of toilet paper

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog.

This week Daisy offers some helpful hints to make your household budget run just a little bit further. One of the most overlooked money saving solutions is medicated toilet tissue. Or ‘scrape’ as it is known in our family.

 

How to use ‘scrape’

In most circumstances one gentle wipe with scrape will do the business. In rare emergencies a second wipe will leave your nether regions scrupulously clean. A third swipe will literally shave off half a dozen layers of skin.
Unlike quilted, velvety modern tissue which gets used in vast quantities people are very sparing with scrape, not a single sheet is wasted. One small roll will last for weeks.

Medicated toilet tissue was always the preferred brand at my grandmother’s house. She lived through two world wars and had a ‘make do and mend’ and ‘waste not, want not’ attitude to life. She thought a refrigerator was an unnecessary luxury. People were much tougher back then. It should come as no surprise that Britain’s position of influence in world affairs has diminished over time with the gradual replacement of scrape by soft fluffy toilet paper in the nation’s homes. I’ll give you a couple of examples which have only recently been released under the Official Secrets Act of how scrape made Britain great.

What ‘scrape’ was made for

If there is an armed bank robbery in progress the US would send in a 20-man SWAT team, clad from head to foot in Kevlar gear, carrying smoke grenades, infra-red vision goggles and all manner of automatic weapons. The British would send in two uniformed officers armed with truncheons. You might wonder what made the British policeman so fearless? Their uniforms were lined with three layers of medicated toilet tissue, enough to stop an armour piercing bullet at 10 paces.

In the world of counter espionage, a captured spy can expected to be beaten and tortured in some countries. Spies receive extensive training to resist interrogation techniques and not to give up vital information. The British Secret Service devised a cunning method of gaining a confession. On the first day the prisoner was told he could order whatever he liked from the kitchen and it would be served up in double portions. The second day he was offered more limited meal of figs, prunes, and liquorice with green tea. As the prison guard was leaving the cell, he would sneakily swap the roll of standard toilet paper for specially manufactured industrial strength scrape (see below). By the third day the prisoner would usually give up every state secret he knew and throw in his grandmother in exchange for regulation toilet paper.

If you like toilet humour, check out my other post on recreational uses for toilet roll

Alastair and daisy