This week Discussions With My Dog has been out and about
finding some of the ingenious ways the British public have come up with to
adapt to life under lock-down.
Retired racing Mogul Barnard Heckleston is indulging his
passion for motor sports by re-creating a full scale version of the Silverstone
race track in the back garden of his home in central London.
Hecklestone said, “it had been quite a challenge working within the limited
space”.
The council have since received complaints from 53 local residents saying that
they woke up to find their garden’s had been tarmacked over.
Leonard Smith, a pub landlord in the Norfolk village of
Mundesley reported that that a fleet of Viking longships had landed shortly
after lockdown. The Vikings conquered the village and declared it part of the
Kingdom of Sweden. Sweden doesn’t have a lockdown policy, so Mr Smith was obliged
to reopen the pub.
When asked if he was concerned about the dangers of Covid-19, the publican
advised that, that wasn’t top of their priorities at the moment. After a rowdy
feast and ale drinking competition last week, one of his regulars had was challenged
him to a Holmgang.
Enterprising DIY expert Harry Flanagan bought a disused
public lavatory and converted it into a boutique cinema. Patrons who are isolated
by Covid-19 can watch the film from the comfort of their own cubicles.
Flanagan reported that he expects to recover all his costs in 3 months by
selling vastly overpriced toilet roll.
He also commented that the design could become popular “It’s really handy if
you need to take a shite during the best part of the film.”
The fabulously wealthy Sheik Khaid bin Loadsamoney has been
nagged so much by his 30 wives over loss of shopping privileges that he decided
to convert the spare bedroom of his Knightsbridge home into a modest shopping
emporium.
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Members of boy band ‘Talentless Twats’ were arrested when a
farmer reported seeing them acting suspiciously in his field. The lads had
disguised themselves as sheep. Lead singer Lip Sync Larry explained they had heard
the sheep-shearer was doing his rounds and they all desperately needed a haircut.
The day after lockdown was announced and in a rare display
of generosity Ebenezer Tightwad invited 200 guests to an all-expenses paid trip
to the Caribbean to celebrate his daughter’s wedding.
Ebenezer wrote to the guests a week later to say he was saddened to inform them
the beach wedding had to be cancelled and the marriage would take place in the
back garden. Due to social distancing rules guests wouldn’t be able to attend
in person but they could watch the ceremony from a video link.
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