How to use ‘scrape’
In most circumstances one gentle wipe with scrape will do
the business. In rare emergencies a second wipe will leave your nether regions
scrupulously clean. A third swipe will literally shave off half a dozen layers
of skin.
Unlike quilted, velvety modern tissue which gets used in vast quantities people
are very sparing with scrape, not a single sheet is wasted. One small roll will
last for weeks.
Medicated toilet tissue was always the preferred brand at my
grandmother’s house. She lived through two world wars and had a ‘make do and mend’
and ‘waste not, want not’ attitude to life. She thought a refrigerator was an
unnecessary luxury. People were much tougher back then. It should come as no
surprise that Britain’s position of influence in world affairs has diminished
over time with the gradual replacement of scrape by soft fluffy toilet paper in
the nation’s homes. I’ll give you a couple of examples which have only recently
been released under the Official Secrets Act of how
scrape made Britain great.
What ‘scrape’ was
made for
If there is an armed bank robbery in progress the US would
send in a 20-man SWAT team, clad from head to foot in Kevlar gear, carrying
smoke grenades, infra-red vision goggles and all manner of automatic weapons.
The British would send in two uniformed officers armed with truncheons. You
might wonder what made the British policeman so fearless? Their uniforms were
lined with three layers of medicated toilet tissue, enough to stop an armour
piercing bullet at 10 paces.
In the world of counter espionage, a captured spy can expected
to be beaten and tortured in some countries. Spies receive extensive training to
resist interrogation techniques and not to give up vital information. The
British Secret Service devised a cunning method of gaining a confession. On the
first day the prisoner was told he could order whatever he liked from the
kitchen and it would be served up in double portions. The second day he was
offered more limited meal of figs, prunes, and liquorice with green tea. As the
prison guard was leaving the cell, he would sneakily swap the roll of standard
toilet paper for specially manufactured industrial strength scrape (see below).
By the third day the prisoner would usually give up every state secret he knew and
throw in his grandmother in exchange for regulation toilet paper.
If you like toilet humour, check out my other post on recreational uses for toilet roll
Alastair and daisy
