Weather Blog

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

People are obsessed with the weather. I’ll bet when you switch on your PC, tablet or phone one of the first things you see is a Weather App.  That’s certainly true in the UK where the weather is quite variable. In some other parts of the world it’s probably more predictable e.g.

Daisy’s approach to the weather is very practical;

Me – It’s a beautiful sunny day.

Daisy – Let’s go to the woods.

Me – A bit overcast, might be showers.

Daisy – Man up, put your coat on., we’re going to the park.

Me – It’s raining., the park will be wet and muddy.

Daisy – No problem, let’s go to the beach.


A history of meteorologists 

Weather forecasting for people is a little more complicated and has been the subject of a huge conspiracy which has been uncovered by ‘Discussions with my dog’. If you regularly check the weather forecast, you’ll have worked out it is fairly unreliable., this all dates back to the early days of television. Some clever chaps working at the BBC went to the Broadcasting Director and suggested running a daily forecast. In order to do this, they needed several thousand pounds to invest in some new-fangled equipment, weather balloons and a super-computer that could predict the weather. 

The Broadcasting Director reluctantly agreed to their exorbitant demands. The clever chaps in the Meteorologists Department were actually a bunch of old reprobates and they spent most of the budget in the pub getting pissed. Instead of a super-computer they made a machine a bit like the Twister game. You spin the arrow, where it stops gives you the reading. For regions such as Scotland for example, there are four possible outcomes that are accurate 90% of the time;

1. Could be a bright start with a risk of showers later.
2. Damp and drizzly.
3. Cold and drizzly.
4. Pissing down with rain.
When the Meteorologists drinking fund dried-up, they went back to the Broadcasting Director to inform him they needed to upgrade to an even more expensive super-computer. Of course, it’s become a bit more challenging to blag the forecast with the Twister machine in the modern age of the internet and instant communication. Fortunately, there is a new phenomenon to explain this - Global Warming - it’s making the weather very unpredictable and difficult to forecast.

[Brody the Golden Retriever is the new meteorologist in town] 

If you’ve been planning a day out and been let down by a dodgy weather forecast, I suggest you pop down the Off Licence and buy a couple of bottles wine or beer, stay indoors, raise a glass to those splendid chaps in the Meteorology Department, and play a game of Twister with the kids.

Alastair and Daisy

Flat-pack furniture for DUMMIES

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

You will often hear animals referred to as dumb creatures, but monumental stupidity can only be truly achieved by one species that inhabits this planet – people. I was reminded of this when I needed to clean up after Daisy’s morning ablutions. On the packaging of the dog poop bags were instructions on how to use them – how thick do you have to be to require instructions on how to pick-up dog shit?

Since the 1900's the general populations intelligence has been sinking

Need proof...? Keep on reading.

I gave this issue some further thought. In 1992 an elderly American woman named Stella Lieberman scalded herself when she spilt hot coffee onto her lap in a McDonalds restaurant. She sued McDonalds and was awarded $2.9m in damages by a jury in New Mexico. An American journalist, Randy Cassingham, made a career out of publicising the unfathomable willingness of the American legal system to reward cretins who have suffered an injustice through their own stupidity – all explained in his book ‘The True Stella Awards.’ So, it’s probably not the manufacturers fault, they’re just protecting themselves.

 I was going to use this blog to quote some examples of pointless instructions found on products but I can’t complete with this - see what "boredpanda" has to say - these guys have absolutely nailed it.

The problem I wish to share, is when you find yourself part of the dumb ass brigade because you are really struggling to understand simple instructions. Nowhere is this more apparent than the instructions for flat-pack furniture. 

Here are some helpful hints for DIY heroes;

1.       The single most important part of the instructions – which most people ignore – is the list of parts. 20 minutes spent checking all the parts are present will save you hours of pain constructing a piece of furniture you can’t finish because a vital part is missing.

2.       The instructions will give you an estimated completion time for two people. Reality check – this is the world record time for assembly of the piece of furniture by two skilled craftsmen using production line power tools. The second person on your team is usually your wife whose main contribution is telling you where you have gone wrong.

3.       Most of the pieces look remarkably similar to other pieces, but they won’t fit.

4.       By about page 3 you’ll get bored with the instructions - you’re a man and you can work this out without need for directions.

5.       At the end of the build you will have several pieces left over. This is because you didn’t do #1 but you did do #4.

6.       You swear you will never again buy a piece of self-assembly furniture.

So, in summary, in an intelligence contest between man and dog, the dog will win on account that no dog has ever bought an item of flat pack furniture.

Alastair and Daisy

Let's fix music

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

Daisy’s favourite type of walk starts with getting in the car. On the way we often listen to some music, either a CD or the radio. If you were to ask me what songs I’d listened to when we’d got out of the car the chances are, I couldn’t remember a single one, that’s because most modern music is bland and forgettable. If I can remember a song it was probably written in the 60’s or 70’s or by a band that started in that era (I might stretch to the 80’s or even some later bands who fit the guidelines below).

Have people lost the ability to write great songs? Probably not. They just need some help.

Daisy’s rules on what makes a great band

1.   Ditch the computers - IMMEDIATELY. A piano or an organ is fine, but any key which does anything other than play a note is prohibited. A band that uses computer generated music is compensating for their lack of talent.

2.   A ‘sample’ is a measure of urine which you give to the doctor. It has no place in a song.
Lip syncing should be a criminal offence. A band must be able to play all their songs live. The only exception to this is the middle section of Queens’ Bohemian Rhapsody. If you can’t play it, then your material is fake.

3.   A band must include a drummer – a real person. Would you ever go to a concert and listen to an extended drum solo played by a machine? Never. Daisy thinks the drummer is the most important member of a band. After a brilliant drum solo the drummer usually tossed his sticks into the audience and Daisy loves to chase sticks.

4.   A song can last more than three minutes, that’s called creativity. When played live, a five-minute song can last 20 minutes, provided it includes an epic guitar solo.
Lyrics should be sung, not spoken.

5.   The lead singer should use a microphone on a stand, not one of those silly blobs of foam taped to their cheek. It makes you look like a dick. The front-man in a rock band makes the mic stand part of the performance.

6.   One set of clothes per show is sufficient in the wardrobe department. Changing your costume does not make the music sound any better. Catsuits, lycra and cowboy hats are perfectly acceptable attire for rock musicians and professional wrestlers, otherwise they should not be worn by gentlemen.

7.   Choreographed dancers are generally surplus to requirement. They are like gift wrapping for presents.

8.   Boy bands should be escorted to the back of the arena to face a firing squad armed with shotguns loaded with duck shit.

22. We Will Rock You - Queen Live in Montreal 1981 [1080p HD Blu-Ray Mux]

The story of Montreal. Here is why you can watch it now in such spectacular quality. http://www.brianmay.com/brian/brianss... Saul Swimmer had the idea that he could film a Queen concert, in a very high quality 35 mm double anamorphic way. For a start, we were not on tour, so all the sound and lights and production and CREW had to be ...

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Alastair and Daisy