Good ole' US of A

 

We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

Sir Dickon is quite fascinated with the USA, in the medieval times Europeans didn’t know the American continent even existed. The USA doesn’t do ordinary, they like to max out. Here is his quick research guide on what’s great, awful, and in-between about America.

THE BAD

Sir D realises that in the 20th Century it is no longer acceptable to beat and torture the peasants, even if they are useless twats. The Americans have, however, invented more cruel and insidious ways for large companies to abuse their employees and it’s all completely legal – send them on a team building course. Check out our other blog for more  insight on this barbaric practice.

The UGLY

The average person in the USA consumes more calories per day than people in any other country. Probably good news for the fat bastard community. Not so good if you are livestock.

THE GOOD

The greatest thing to come out of America is … Stacey’s Mom. Watch this video and tell us if you disagree.

Football

 

We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

Sir Dickon has just been watching football on television. He is lamenting that he really doesn’t recognise the modern game and is flabbergasted by how much it costs. Just look at the comparisions.

Equipment
Modern – the Video Assisted Referee system (VAR television replays to help referee’s check important penalty decisions) in the Premier League costs over £9,000 for each game.

Medieval – the only thing you needed was a ball - an inflated pig’s bladder - which cost pennies.

Rules

Modern – there are 17 rules for football, but they cover 150 pages.

Medieval – no eye gouging and no kicking in the testicles. Pretty much anything else is allowed.

Venue

Modern – when it was built, the new Wembley Stadium cost £798 million.

Medieval – their pitch was the village high street. The goals were where the houses stopped at either end.

Players

Modern – Lionel Messi earns £500,000 per week playing for Barcelona – for just 90 minutes work.

Medieval – every able-bodied man in the village. They played for pride and a satisfying tankard of ale after the match.

Injuries

Modern – sore ankle, stretched hamstring – the sort of thing a real man would turn up for work with the next day.

Medieval – broken arms, fractured jaw, dislocated knee cap – and they still had to turn up for work the next day.

I don’t dare tell Sir D that women are allowed to play football.

Flushing toilets

 
We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

Of all the amazing inventions that people have created over the last 700 years, the one Sir Dickon marvels over most (apart from Porn Hub) is the flushing toilet.

In his teenage years, Sir Dickon shared quarters with a number of other squires. To relieve themselves during the night there was a chamber pot in the corner of the room. Chamber pots are supposed to be emptied daily but this was a sadly neglected chore until the day the pot was brim full with several gallons of fermented piss and would not hold a drop more.

The squires would play dice and the loser had the task of emptying the pot. It was virtually impossible to lift the slippery iron bowl without some spillage. Sometimes the carrier would slip under the immense weight and collapse, drenching themselves in foul smelling urine. When this happened, other boys had been known to piss themselves laughing.

I told Sir D about a modern game, practised by school bullies, known as the ‘Swirly’. The victim is dragged into a cubicle and suspended upside down over the toilet bowl. When the toilet is flushed the victim’s head is dunked into the swirling water.

Sir D was mightily impressed. When he gets back to the 14^th Century, he is going to give his useless squire, Edmund Ass-hat, a Swirly. Since there are no flushing toilets they will have to Swirly Edmund in a chamber pot. 

                                                  

If you want to know how people went about wiping their arses in days of old, check out our other blog post here... scrape