We continue our series of Tales from Sir Dickon, a 14th
Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21st
Century to become a modern-day life coach.
Of all the amazing inventions that people have created over
the last 700 years, the one Sir Dickon marvels over most (apart from Porn Hub)
is the flushing toilet.
In his teenage years, Sir Dickon shared quarters with a
number of other squires. To relieve themselves during the night there was a
chamber pot in the corner of the room. Chamber pots are supposed to be emptied
daily but this was a sadly neglected chore until the day the pot was brim full
with several gallons of fermented piss and would not hold a drop more.
The squires would play dice and the loser had the task of
emptying the pot. It was virtually impossible to lift the slippery iron bowl
without some spillage. Sometimes the carrier would slip under the immense
weight and collapse, drenching themselves in foul smelling urine. When this
happened, other boys had been known to piss themselves laughing.
I told Sir D about a modern game, practised by school
bullies, known as the ‘Swirly’. The victim is dragged into a cubicle and
suspended upside down over the toilet bowl. When the toilet is flushed the
victim’s head is dunked into the swirling water.
Sir D was mightily impressed. When he gets back to the 14th
Century, he is going to give his useless squire, Edmund Ass-hat, a Swirly. Since
there are no flushing toilets they will have to Swirly Edmund in a chamber
pot.
If you want to know how people went about wiping their arses in days of old, check out our other blog post here... scrape
