Basic Bitch

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

When you get to my age, popular sub-culture can be a very mysterious place to venture. I recently heard my twenty-something daughters talking about a ‘basic bitch’. If I had been asked to define a 'basic bitch'. I might have guessed that’s what you ask for when you visit the dog rescue centre and you’re not bothered what breed to adopt. you just want a 'basic dog' or a 'basic bitch'.

It turns out to be something entirely different. These guys can explain in more detail

Being basic isn’t necessarily bad or unhealthy, it just means you follow all the popular trends and are somewhat lacking in originality. BUT if you’re fed up of following the crowd and want to stand out then you aspire to be a ‘BAD BITCH’. For hints and tips on being a bad bitch you need advice from an expert - Daisy the dog.

Here’s the Discussions with My Dog’s guide to correcting some of the most common basic bitch mistakes: 

1.       Your favourite places to order out are Starbucks and Dominos. Nobody in their right mind would give Daisy caffeine, it would be like throwing petrol on a fire. Daisy is, however, willing to compromise her bad bitch reputation on Domino’s, but she is also equally fond of many other brands of pizza.

2.   You have enough Lush bath products to last you until the end of the next century, or at least the next time you happen to be passing a cosmetics shop. Daisy thinks that baths are seriously over-rated, once or twice a year is more than sufficient. You may disagree but Daisy has a beautiful thick coat that glows in the sunlight. 

3. You Instagram message your friends with selfies using the cute dog filters – the one that transforms you with floppy ears and a puppy dog nose. Maybe time to grow up??

4.       Your wardrobe is dictated by popular designer brands. You own a pair of trainers that cost over £100 that you would never wear to the park because they might get dirty. Daisy loves running in the park and doing skid brake turns in the mud. That’s what trainers were made for.

5.       For entertainment you binge watch box sets of Friends and Sex in the City. Daisy suggests you refer to point 4) i.e. switch off the TV, put your filthy trainers on and let’s go for a run in the park.

6.       You have a tattoo with a mystic personal message in Chinese symbols. Basic mistake! Did you think the tattoo guy actually speaks Chinese? He just copied from the instruction leaflet for his mobile phone. Your intimate tattoo actually says something like ‘manufacturer’s warranty’.

Alastair and Daisy

Home Improvements

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

Last year, people in Britain spent a whopping £83 billion on home improvements – that’s a lot of cash. Whether it was poor planning, shoddy workmanship or just a dumb idea not everyone’s plans worked out as they fully expected. If you are thinking about a new project to spruce up the home first take a look over Daisy the dog’s suggestions.

 What makes a good home improvement

Security

You could spend over £10,000 on a high-tech security system, but there are cheaper alternatives:

Rig up the doorbell to a recording of ferocious barking.

Get one of those ‘I live here’ pictures of a Rottweiler or an Alsatian for the front window. For extra deterrent purchase a skeleton from the nearest hospital and scatter some gnawed human bones in the front garden. Burglars will give your house a wide berth.

Garden ornaments and shrubbery

You could plant your borders with expensive shrubs or you could dig some holes and plant butcher’s bones. This will be great entertainment for the dog over the next few weeks as he/she digs them up.

Sound proofing

Do you get awoken at midnight by the neighbour’s dog barking? That’s not the dog’s fault – your house has inferior quality double glazing. Only install new windows that have passed the ‘bark test’.

Decorating

Most home fashion magazines recommend decorating the walls in neutral colours. Your pet dog spends most of his/her day lounging around the house waiting for something to happen. They might be staring at wall for hours on end. If boring was a colour it would be magnolia. Be daring, paint the walls zingy yellow or furnace red.

And finally, a tip for the man of the house:

Always have a minimum of six unfinished DIY projects outstanding at any one time. Some days you just want to goof off and watch the football or read some shite on the internet. When your wife gets home demanding to know what you’ve been doing you can refer to having spent the last three hours ‘stormproofing the fence’ or ‘balancing the radiators’. She knows you’re lying but can’t prove it.

Alastair and Daisy

Mansplaining and Dogsplaining

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

In the old days, men made all the rules. We know this system worked perfectly well because it says so in the history books (which were all written by men).

These days things are a little more tricky for blokes because there are laws about equality and discrimination. Men have to be more creative to stay ahead in the battle of the sexes, so they have resorted to some fairly dirty tactics i.e., ‘mansplaining.’

The Definition of mansplaining: the explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.
This is an excellent example.

Before you can effectively mansplain, you have to understand a few rules:

1. Act as though you are the world’s most renown expert on the subject you are mansplaining.

2. You don’t need an invitation to mansplain something – women are always grateful to listen to your advice.

3. A perfect mansplain should end with the woman still rather confused and forced to admit that it’s the sort of thing that only a man would understand.

4. If the lady contradicts you she obviously hasn’t understood and you should mansplain in more simple terms.

5. If you really get stuck (the woman appears to know more than you do) introduce an analogy about the offside rule in football and proceed to mansplain that.

6. The only time it is acceptable to mansplain to a group of men is in the pub after a few pints.

So, if mansplaining isn’t an effective form of communication, then we need something else. Perhaps Dogsplaining?

I’ll give you a few examples of how Daisy the dog can make sense of very complex problems:

Me - So why is my dinner always more interesting than yours?
Daisy - Let’s swap what’s on your plate for my dog bowl.

Me - Do you need really a walk tonight?
Daisy - I’ve been sitting here staring at the wall for 3 hours waiting for you to come home. Of course I need a walk.

Me: When I let you out in the garden at midnight for a wee, is it absolutely necessary to bark your head off for 5 minutes and wake up the neighbours?

Daisy: Hell YES!

Alastair and Daisy