Home Improvements

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

Last year, people in Britain spent a whopping £83 billion on home improvements – that’s a lot of cash. Whether it was poor planning, shoddy workmanship or just a dumb idea not everyone’s plans worked out as they fully expected. If you are thinking about a new project to spruce up the home first take a look over Daisy the dog’s suggestions.

 What makes a good home improvement

Security

You could spend over £10,000 on a high-tech security system, but there are cheaper alternatives:

Rig up the doorbell to a recording of ferocious barking.

Get one of those ‘I live here’ pictures of a Rottweiler or an Alsatian for the front window. For extra deterrent purchase a skeleton from the nearest hospital and scatter some gnawed human bones in the front garden. Burglars will give your house a wide berth.

Garden ornaments and shrubbery

You could plant your borders with expensive shrubs or you could dig some holes and plant butcher’s bones. This will be great entertainment for the dog over the next few weeks as he/she digs them up.

Sound proofing

Do you get awoken at midnight by the neighbour’s dog barking? That’s not the dog’s fault – your house has inferior quality double glazing. Only install new windows that have passed the ‘bark test’.

Decorating

Most home fashion magazines recommend decorating the walls in neutral colours. Your pet dog spends most of his/her day lounging around the house waiting for something to happen. They might be staring at wall for hours on end. If boring was a colour it would be magnolia. Be daring, paint the walls zingy yellow or furnace red.

And finally, a tip for the man of the house:

Always have a minimum of six unfinished DIY projects outstanding at any one time. Some days you just want to goof off and watch the football or read some shite on the internet. When your wife gets home demanding to know what you’ve been doing you can refer to having spent the last three hours ‘stormproofing the fence’ or ‘balancing the radiators’. She knows you’re lying but can’t prove it.

Alastair and Daisy

Mansplaining and Dogsplaining

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

In the old days, men made all the rules. We know this system worked perfectly well because it says so in the history books (which were all written by men).

These days things are a little more tricky for blokes because there are laws about equality and discrimination. Men have to be more creative to stay ahead in the battle of the sexes, so they have resorted to some fairly dirty tactics i.e., ‘mansplaining.’

The Definition of mansplaining: the explanation of something by a man, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronizing.
This is an excellent example.

Before you can effectively mansplain, you have to understand a few rules:

1. Act as though you are the world’s most renown expert on the subject you are mansplaining.

2. You don’t need an invitation to mansplain something – women are always grateful to listen to your advice.

3. A perfect mansplain should end with the woman still rather confused and forced to admit that it’s the sort of thing that only a man would understand.

4. If the lady contradicts you she obviously hasn’t understood and you should mansplain in more simple terms.

5. If you really get stuck (the woman appears to know more than you do) introduce an analogy about the offside rule in football and proceed to mansplain that.

6. The only time it is acceptable to mansplain to a group of men is in the pub after a few pints.

So, if mansplaining isn’t an effective form of communication, then we need something else. Perhaps Dogsplaining?

I’ll give you a few examples of how Daisy the dog can make sense of very complex problems:

Me - So why is my dinner always more interesting than yours?
Daisy - Let’s swap what’s on your plate for my dog bowl.

Me - Do you need really a walk tonight?
Daisy - I’ve been sitting here staring at the wall for 3 hours waiting for you to come home. Of course I need a walk.

Me: When I let you out in the garden at midnight for a wee, is it absolutely necessary to bark your head off for 5 minutes and wake up the neighbours?

Daisy: Hell YES!

Alastair and Daisy

Magic Reset Button

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

When you are playing a video game and your car crashes, or you fall into a pit of molten lava, or you meet some other unfortunate ending, you always have the option of pressing ‘Reset’ i.e. starting the level again, just go back and fix your mistakes before they happened. What if you could have a Magic Reset button in real life? It would have an infinite amount of possible uses. Here are just a few examples:

Situation 1

You’re out for an afternoon stroll on the village green. Your dog is trotting along happily by your side. The sun is shining, the birds are singing in the trees. You notice the dog is going into the ‘squat and shuffle round in circles’ routine, the one they do to find the perfect place for a shite. Once the ideal spot has been located, no amount of pleading or persuasion will get them to move. Today’s perfect place is in the middle of the cricketpitch.
About 50 people are watching your dog produce a steaming pile. If Dr Who’s Tardis had appeared in the exact same space it would be attracting less attention. You dip your hand into your pocket, into another pocket, and into every possible crevice in your clothing – You numpty. You have forgotten the poop bags, and all these interested onlookers are staring, waiting for you to clear up the crap. No problem you say, I’ll just hit the Magic Reset button for half an hour ago and remember to collect the poop bags from the car.

Situation 2

 I arrive downstairs in the morning to find that Daisy has ransacked the bin and strewn chewed up food wrappings across the floor.

Me - ”What the heck is all this mess”?

Daisy - “I call it recycling”.

Me - “You’re a bad dog. If I had a Magic Reset button, we could put everything back as it was”.

Daisy - “That’s a brilliant Idea. I’d get to go bin foraging all over again”.

Situation 3

Remember that rock band that were playing at your local Odeon 30 years ago? The tickets were just £10 at the box office and had no rip off booking fees? If you want to see the same band now they are playing six sell out concerts a year in sports arenas where you might catch a glimpse of the action on the big television monitors. Tickets are £200, a bottle of beer is £10. Tell me that you wouldn’t have bought those tickets back in the 1980’s – if only you had a Magic Reset button.

Situation 4

Just woken up with an almighty hangover? The drummers from 20 thrash metal bands are having a “who can play the loudest” competition inside your skull? You are desperate for a glass of water, but the slightest movement might induce vomiting? You have feeling a that you didn’t get round to cleaning the toilet after you projectile vomited last night?  Do you remember saying “I can only stop for two pints, then I have to leave”? With Magic Reset you can do just that.

On reflection if I did have a real Magic Reset button I’d just make a fortune by hiring it out to Donald Trump. I think he would get more use out of it than most ordinary people.

Alastair and Daisy