Calm Down Karen

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

Daisy is a friendly dog, her motto in life can be summed up in the words of Bill and Ted (Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure) – “Be excellent to each other”. Not everybody follows this philosophy – especially Karens.

Who is Karen? Karen is a stereotype - an opinionated, over entitled, white, middle-aged women who has made complaining into an art form.
Fortunately Karens are relatively easy to spot because they come with the trademark hairdo 

Sometimes, Karens will go incognito, but will usually give themselves away verbally, for example;

• A snide comment that is just loud enough for the person they are disrespecting to hear.
• Making a whole string of unreasonable demands.
• Conversation is generally one way traffic. They aren’t listening to you.
• Repeating their demands on a continuous loop.
• No sense of humour.
• If challenged they will completely deny they have any Karen characteristics.
• (If in any doubt – the clincher) When the level of service from a shop assistan,t or the quality of goods doesn’t meet expectations Karen will announce, in a very demeaning tone, “I want to speak to the Manager”?

Karens do not like dogs like Daisy... 

- Why is she taking up so much room on the pavement?
- Why is she running off the leash, completely out of control?Why do dogs drool / have dirty paws / bark / do other things dogs are generally designed to do.

Whether it’s your mum, your sister, your wife, or your friend, we all know a Karen. In her quest to make the world a slightly better place Daisy suggests you pass on the following advice to the Karen in your life;

 If you don’t have anything positive to say, then shut up.

The guy in the retail shop earning minimum wage doesn’t get paid enough to listen to your shit.

Driving the kids the half a mile to school in your 4 litre 4x4 is excessive. Parking in the restricted zone outside the school will save you 5 minutes, but you’ve probably blocked the school bus and caused a huge tail back.

The dog in the park just wanted to say hello. The muddy paw prints on your spotlessly white Dolce and Gabbana trousers add character to your outfit.

Calm down and be excellent to each other. 

Editor’s note - If your name actually is Karen, you are 40 + years old, wear your hair in a short blonde bob and you are nothing like this whatsoever, then please address your concerns to the Manager of this web site. A full apology will be forthcoming.

Alastair and Daisy

You can tell a lot about a man by his choice of toilet paper

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog.

This week Daisy offers some helpful hints to make your household budget run just a little bit further. One of the most overlooked money saving solutions is medicated toilet tissue. Or ‘scrape’ as it is known in our family.

 

How to use ‘scrape’

In most circumstances one gentle wipe with scrape will do the business. In rare emergencies a second wipe will leave your nether regions scrupulously clean. A third swipe will literally shave off half a dozen layers of skin.
Unlike quilted, velvety modern tissue which gets used in vast quantities people are very sparing with scrape, not a single sheet is wasted. One small roll will last for weeks.

Medicated toilet tissue was always the preferred brand at my grandmother’s house. She lived through two world wars and had a ‘make do and mend’ and ‘waste not, want not’ attitude to life. She thought a refrigerator was an unnecessary luxury. People were much tougher back then. It should come as no surprise that Britain’s position of influence in world affairs has diminished over time with the gradual replacement of scrape by soft fluffy toilet paper in the nation’s homes. I’ll give you a couple of examples which have only recently been released under the Official Secrets Act of how scrape made Britain great.

What ‘scrape’ was made for

If there is an armed bank robbery in progress the US would send in a 20-man SWAT team, clad from head to foot in Kevlar gear, carrying smoke grenades, infra-red vision goggles and all manner of automatic weapons. The British would send in two uniformed officers armed with truncheons. You might wonder what made the British policeman so fearless? Their uniforms were lined with three layers of medicated toilet tissue, enough to stop an armour piercing bullet at 10 paces.

In the world of counter espionage, a captured spy can expected to be beaten and tortured in some countries. Spies receive extensive training to resist interrogation techniques and not to give up vital information. The British Secret Service devised a cunning method of gaining a confession. On the first day the prisoner was told he could order whatever he liked from the kitchen and it would be served up in double portions. The second day he was offered more limited meal of figs, prunes, and liquorice with green tea. As the prison guard was leaving the cell, he would sneakily swap the roll of standard toilet paper for specially manufactured industrial strength scrape (see below). By the third day the prisoner would usually give up every state secret he knew and throw in his grandmother in exchange for regulation toilet paper.

If you like toilet humour, check out my other post on recreational uses for toilet roll

Alastair and daisy

Daisy's guide to the wonderful world of sport

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog.

Daisy loves exercise, a stroll in the park, a run on the beach, pretending she can catch rabbits in the woods. But what do dogs make of some of the more specialist sports that people have invented? I asked for Daisy’s opinion on a few Olympic events.

The Javelin
Daisy - Throwing a stick, that’s my sort of sport.   

Throwing the discus
Daisy – if you don’t fancy your dinner don’t throw the plate, leave if for me and I’ll polish it off. You can even put the plate back in the cupboard without washing it.

The Long Jump
Daisy – Took me a while to understand what’s going on, but I’ve got it. The cat shit in the sand pit and covered it over. You have to try and jump past where the crap is buried?

The Marathon
If we want to go somewhere that far away, we take the car.

The Olympic 100 meteres final
Daisy – so these guys spend 4 years training for a race that lasts less than 10 seconds? You’d think they could make it last a bit longer.

The 400-metres – once around the Olympic track
Daisy – shouldn’t they be chasing a rabbit? Dogs know it’s a mechanical one, but you need to have some incentive.

The 400-meter freestyle swimming
Daisy – bet they wouldn’t be so keen jumping into a dirty pond in the middle of January. That’s real swimming.

Greco Roman Wrestling
Daisy - How come these guys don’t have intimidating names, wear outrageous outfits and come on to their own theme tune like in WWE? I think the Greco Roman wrestlers are just faking it.

Alastair and Daisy