The dogs bollocks awards

Today Discussions with My Dog proudly presents the very first “Dogs Bollocks Awards”. For a male dog, his most prized possessions are his testicles. He will spend hours licking them scrupulously clean. 

To be the ‘Dogs Bollocks’ means someone or something has reached a truly world class standard. By way of comparison a Dogs Bollocks award is roughly equivalent to 3 Academy Awards and 5 Golden Globes. 

The winners have been carefully selected by head judge Daisy.

#1 Sporting achievement
Check out this audacious back-heel volley by Chelsea legend Gianfranco Zola.

#2 World’s greatest invention
Nominations include Benjamin Franklin for electricity and Albert Einstein for something really complicated.
The winner is: Charles Goodyear for inventing the tennis ball. (Don’t blame me, these are Daisy’s picks).

#3 Most profound quotation from a film
“Be excellent to each other” – Bill and Ted.
Sounds like good advice.

#4 Pretentious Hobby
The winner is wine tasting. If wine’s that good, why do people spit it out? You don’t see guys at beer festivals spitting out the produce. It’s too valuable. Normal people know that wine comes in two flavours – red or white.

#5 Most inappropriate time to be desperately holding back a massive fart
“If anyone here knows any lawful reason why these two people should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace”.

#6 Time in history when a Sat Nav would have come in very handy
“I think Pizza Hut is over that way” Lord Lucan, 2 December 1854. Ten minutes before the Charge of the Light Brigade.

7# Best Boy Band of the 1990’s
We spent a long time researching the category. (For a dog 5 minutes is a long time). In the end we came up with a shortlist of … absolutely none. They were all terrible.
By default this award goes to: The Spice Girls.

#8 And finally, the Dogs Bollocks Award for ‘Holding back an avalanche’
Goes to Eddie Kaye Thomas, also known as Paul Finch. If you have not worked it out watch this clip.

Alastair and Daisy

Covid-19 has lead to some extravagant indulgences

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog.

This week Discussions With My Dog has been out and about finding some of the ingenious ways the British public have come up with to adapt to life under lock-down.

Retired racing Mogul Barnard Heckleston is indulging his passion for motor sports by re-creating a full scale version of the Silverstone race track in the back garden of his home in central London.
Hecklestone said, “it had been quite a challenge working within the limited space”.
The council have since received complaints from 53 local residents saying that they woke up to find their garden’s had been tarmacked over.

Leonard Smith, a pub landlord in the Norfolk village of Mundesley reported that that a fleet of Viking longships had landed shortly after lockdown. The Vikings conquered the village and declared it part of the Kingdom of Sweden. Sweden doesn’t have a lockdown policy, so Mr Smith was obliged to reopen the pub.
When asked if he was concerned about the dangers of Covid-19, the publican advised that, that wasn’t top of their priorities at the moment. After a rowdy feast and ale drinking competition last week, one of his regulars had was challenged him to a Holmgang. 

Enterprising DIY expert Harry Flanagan bought a disused public lavatory and converted it into a boutique cinema. Patrons who are isolated by Covid-19 can watch the film from the comfort of their own cubicles.
Flanagan reported that he expects to recover all his costs in 3 months by selling vastly overpriced toilet roll.
He also commented that the design could become popular “It’s really handy if you need to take a shite during the best part of the film.”

The fabulously wealthy Sheik Khaid bin Loadsamoney has been nagged so much by his 30 wives over loss of shopping privileges that he decided to convert the spare bedroom of his Knightsbridge home into a modest shopping emporium.

Members of boy band ‘Talentless Twats’ were arrested when a farmer reported seeing them acting suspiciously in his field. The lads had disguised themselves as sheep. Lead singer Lip Sync Larry explained they had heard the sheep-shearer was doing his rounds and they all desperately needed a haircut.

The day after lockdown was announced and in a rare display of generosity Ebenezer Tightwad invited 200 guests to an all-expenses paid trip to the Caribbean to celebrate his daughter’s wedding.
Ebenezer wrote to the guests a week later to say he was saddened to inform them the beach wedding had to be cancelled and the marriage would take place in the back garden. Due to social distancing rules guests wouldn’t be able to attend in person but they could watch the ceremony from a video link.

Alastair and Daisy

Daisy sits in the director's chair

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog.

This week Discussions With My Dog are giving Hollywood a makeover. Daisy shares her thoughts on 10 iconic films and in some cases suggests how the scripts could be improved.

1. The hound of the Baskervilles
Sherlock Holmes catches the hound inside 10 minutes by luring him with a jumbo bag of doggie treats.

2. Halloween
Don’t those people get it? After 11 films you’d think they would have learnt to leave town on 31^st October.

3. Gone with the Wind
Rhett Butler has been fighting in the Civil War. Good rations were hard to come by and he’s been living off beans and coffee for months.  He returns home with severe flatulence. Maybe Scarlett O’Hara won’t notice, as long as he stays outside the chronic farting will just be ‘Gone with the Wind’.

4. Jaws
People who drop plastic in the oceans get their legs chomped off by great white sharks.

5. Titanic
Since they left port in England, the Captain has had to endure Celine Dionne wailing ‘My heart will go on’. Quite frankly it is driving him nuts – he won’t last the voyage to New York.  He sends an order to the bridge “full steam ahead due north, don’t stop until we hit something.”

6. Star Wars III – closing scene when Darth Vader lays dying;
Vader  “Luke, there is something I must tell you”.
Luke “I know, you are my father”.
Vader “That’s what I thought. But I have now discovered the truth. I was away from home a lot before you were born, despatching enemies with my light sabre. Your father was actually the milkman”.
Luke “But I am destined to learn the ways of the Jedi”.
Vader “Obi Wan was wrong, he should have sent you to the Dairy to learn your apprenticeship”.

7. American Pie
Great film, but what a terrible waste of a pie.

8. Layer Cake
This film was released under false pretences. Daisy watched the whole thing and didn’t see a single slice of cake.

9. Driving Miss Daisy
Not seen the film but this sounds perfect, her own chauffeur driven ride to the park.

10. Jurassic Park
Daisy doesn’t want to be a lurcher anymore, she wants to be a velociraptor.

Alastair and Daisy