The Danger of "one-click" Shopping

If you live in Britain today, you very probably have a mobile phone or a computer, and that device gives you access to your Amazon account. An Amazon account is the cyber-portal to a treasure trove of shit to buy or, in my case, an endless amount of shit for my wife to buy. Even more dangerously the Amazon account is linked to my credit card.

A few days ago, a parcel arrived in the post, it wasn’t my birthday or Christmas and I don’t remember ordering anything, but it was addressed to me. I opened it to find a large multi-pack of dental sticks. For those who are not familiar with dental sticks, they are marketed as a product to keep your dog’s teeth clean. A sort of edible tooth brush. The idea is the dog slowly chews the stick and the chewing action removes the plaque from their teeth. I don’t know what dental sticks are made from, but dogs absolutely love them. Daisy can scoff one down in less than a minute, which rather defeats the objective of cleaning her teeth.

Daisy is a Lurcher. A Lurcher isn’t the sort of dog who would consider stealing a tasty morsel as wrong. The Lurcher will simply work out how to get their snout into the cupboard or saucepan that contains the tasty morsel. The Lurcher will wait patiently until the coast is clear before making their move. They are crafty and seldom leave any evidence behind – maybe the odd piece of chewed up packaging. A Lurcher is always on the look out for an opportunity to help themselves to a snack.

So, I had a vision. My wife was trawling around Amazon looking for inspiration for something to buy. She was interested in something vaguely dog related and was on a page advertising dental sticks when the doorbell rang. Daisy was sitting by the untended computer. The cursor is hovering over the icon for a packet of dental sticks which attract her attention. Daisy hops onto the chair and steadies herself by placing a paw on the desk. Her paw hits the mouse and she has just added a packet of dental sticks to her shopping cart.

The ever helpful Amazon website prompts ‘Why not order a multi-pack’? Daisy moves her paw and instantly upgrades herself to a multipack. The website recommends placing a recurring monthly order for dental sticks. Daisy thinks that is a jolly good idea.

Amazon wants to know how she is going to pay? Dad’s credit card of course.

Finally, does Daisy want express next day delivery at an extra £1.99? Do bears shit in the woods? Of course she does.

So, you can see the dangers of ‘one click’ shopping.  I’m going to be watching the post next month to see if another box of dental sticks arrive.

Alastair and Daisy

The Dating Game

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

Computers appear to have taken control of how people find relationships in the modern world. The theory is solid; there are hundreds or thousands of potential Mr or Mrs Rights out there, and a computer programme can help you whittle out the non-contenders. Does relying on technology mean we are losing some of the old inter-personal skills? Do you just end up dating people who can write the most convincing online profiles or failed contestants from Love Island with the personality of a brick?

Who needs computer dating? Success with romance is no more difficult than how a good owner would treat their best canine friend. Just follow the advice of Daisy the Dog and you’ll soon be sweeping your new date off their feet:

Don’t be a cheapskate. A gentleman always pays for dinner at the restaurant on a first date. Daisy knows the difference between standard dog food and treats.

Go somewhere nice. Driving to the beach or the woods involves a bit more planning and effort than a walk around the block. Does the place you are visiting have rabbits or squirrels?

Don’t cancel at short notice because you can’t be arsed. Come rain or shine Daisy needs a walk EVERY day. Slacking off won’t be tolerated.

An inexpensive but thoughtful gift creates a good impression. Your new lady friend might not react by dancing around like a flamenco dancer on drugs at the sight of a tennis ball (what Daisy does), but it’s the thought that counts.

Perhaps your date has spent the afternoon at the beauty salon and spent £100 on a lavish makeover. Maybe the spray tan turned out that radioactive orange colour or the hair style is a disaster zone (see below). Sometimes it’s better to just pretend the elephant in the room doesn’t exist. An ideal place for a first date could be the zoo, somewhere an elephant in the room isn’t actually going to be that noticeable - just don’t mention it.    

Alastair and daisy

Basic Bitch

 If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

When you get to my age, popular sub-culture can be a very mysterious place to venture. I recently heard my twenty-something daughters talking about a ‘basic bitch’. If I had been asked to define a 'basic bitch'. I might have guessed that’s what you ask for when you visit the dog rescue centre and you’re not bothered what breed to adopt. you just want a 'basic dog' or a 'basic bitch'.

It turns out to be something entirely different. These guys can explain in more detail

Being basic isn’t necessarily bad or unhealthy, it just means you follow all the popular trends and are somewhat lacking in originality. BUT if you’re fed up of following the crowd and want to stand out then you aspire to be a ‘BAD BITCH’. For hints and tips on being a bad bitch you need advice from an expert - Daisy the dog.

Here’s the Discussions with My Dog’s guide to correcting some of the most common basic bitch mistakes: 

1.       Your favourite places to order out are Starbucks and Dominos. Nobody in their right mind would give Daisy caffeine, it would be like throwing petrol on a fire. Daisy is, however, willing to compromise her bad bitch reputation on Domino’s, but she is also equally fond of many other brands of pizza.

2.   You have enough Lush bath products to last you until the end of the next century, or at least the next time you happen to be passing a cosmetics shop. Daisy thinks that baths are seriously over-rated, once or twice a year is more than sufficient. You may disagree but Daisy has a beautiful thick coat that glows in the sunlight. 

3. You Instagram message your friends with selfies using the cute dog filters – the one that transforms you with floppy ears and a puppy dog nose. Maybe time to grow up??

4.       Your wardrobe is dictated by popular designer brands. You own a pair of trainers that cost over £100 that you would never wear to the park because they might get dirty. Daisy loves running in the park and doing skid brake turns in the mud. That’s what trainers were made for.

5.       For entertainment you binge watch box sets of Friends and Sex in the City. Daisy suggests you refer to point 4) i.e. switch off the TV, put your filthy trainers on and let’s go for a run in the park.

6.       You have a tattoo with a mystic personal message in Chinese symbols. Basic mistake! Did you think the tattoo guy actually speaks Chinese? He just copied from the instruction leaflet for his mobile phone. Your intimate tattoo actually says something like ‘manufacturer’s warranty’.

Alastair and Daisy

Home Improvements

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is: Discussions With My Dog:

Last year, people in Britain spent a whopping £83 billion on home improvements – that’s a lot of cash. Whether it was poor planning, shoddy workmanship or just a dumb idea not everyone’s plans worked out as they fully expected. If you are thinking about a new project to spruce up the home first take a look over Daisy the dog’s suggestions.

 What makes a good home improvement

Security

You could spend over £10,000 on a high-tech security system, but there are cheaper alternatives:

Rig up the doorbell to a recording of ferocious barking.

Get one of those ‘I live here’ pictures of a Rottweiler or an Alsatian for the front window. For extra deterrent purchase a skeleton from the nearest hospital and scatter some gnawed human bones in the front garden. Burglars will give your house a wide berth.

Garden ornaments and shrubbery

You could plant your borders with expensive shrubs or you could dig some holes and plant butcher’s bones. This will be great entertainment for the dog over the next few weeks as he/she digs them up.

Sound proofing

Do you get awoken at midnight by the neighbour’s dog barking? That’s not the dog’s fault – your house has inferior quality double glazing. Only install new windows that have passed the ‘bark test’.

Decorating

Most home fashion magazines recommend decorating the walls in neutral colours. Your pet dog spends most of his/her day lounging around the house waiting for something to happen. They might be staring at wall for hours on end. If boring was a colour it would be magnolia. Be daring, paint the walls zingy yellow or furnace red.

And finally, a tip for the man of the house:

Always have a minimum of six unfinished DIY projects outstanding at any one time. Some days you just want to goof off and watch the football or read some shite on the internet. When your wife gets home demanding to know what you’ve been doing you can refer to having spent the last three hours ‘stormproofing the fence’ or ‘balancing the radiators’. She knows you’re lying but can’t prove it.

Alastair and Daisy