Introducing Sir Dickon

 

Throughout 2020, Daisy the dog has been dispensing invaluable advice. Is the world a better place at the start of 2021? Probably not. Perhaps Daisy hasn’t been expressing herself in the right way, or perhaps she just needs some help.

So, Discussions with My Dog have hired a life coach; someone who can dish out plain and simple solutions to everyday problems. Let me introduce you to Sir Dickon d’ Latrine, magically transported to 2021 from the 14^th Century. Let’s see if some Medieval wisdom can solve the conundrums of the 21^st Century.

Sir Dickon lists his occupation as Knight of the Realm and slayer of dickheads. His pass-times are drinking ale, pillaging, wenching and scratching his arse in contemplation. Sir Dickon has no concept of political correctness, he just calls it as it is.

We’ll start with a simple one – time -

How to distribute your time correctly

Modern society is obsessed with time, we measure our life by the hour, the minute, and the second. Sir Dickon says there are just 4 important times in a day

• Arise at sunrise
• Go to sleep after dark
• Meal-time

and his personal favourite

• Time to take a shite

Everything else is just the filling in between.

Check in next week for more “Sir Dickon explains…”.

The Gym (again)

 

It’s about that time of year, when you have just finished the Christmas shop and you’ve got a cupboard stacked with delicious food – sounds perfect! You’re going to spend the next week sitting on your arse eating Christmas dinner, mince pies, chocolates, and drinking booze. Unfortunately, there is a price to pay – you’re going to get fat.
On New Year’s Eve you are going to get drunk and make some New Year’s Resolutions – remember the promises you made yourself last year? What about the one where you’re going to take out a new gym membership to help you lose weight.

Before making any rash decisions, you should first consult the Discussions with My Dog guidance notes.

In our previous blog – Dogs are a great motivator of sport – Daisy gave a very honest review of what the gym actually has to offer – see the link.

An average gym membership will cost you £50 per month. You’ve committed to going 3 times every week, so each visit works out about £4. That’s great value. Reality check – by March/April you might manage to drag yourself down there twice a month. Does £25 a visit still sound like great value?

You’ll have to get kitted out, so you’ll need a new pair of trainers (you’ve been wearing your current pair to work in the garden, and they are looking a bit knackered. You can’t possibly be seen in muddy scuffed footwear running on the treadmill). That’s going to set you back another £150.

The gym is usually full of people who exercise regularly and are in excellent physical shape. Guys who bench press 300 pounds, ladies who do a spin class back-to-back with an aerobics class and then a sun bed session - people who have no need to visit the gym. Compared to them you are going to look like an out of condition slob – is your self-esteem ready for that?

If it doesn’t work out, you can always cancel your membership – all you have to do is contact the call centre and ask for the cancellation’s team. Good luck with that – see the link to call centre blog.

Our final top tip is: save this link in your calendar to be read in the third week of December next year.

Alastair and Daisy

Pants

 

Regular readers of this blog will know that Daisy the dog does not like having a bath. In fact, she thinks that hygiene is very overrated. Does she have a point? Most people believe you should change your underwear every day. Here is the Discussions With My Dog top 10 tips why this might just be a misguided obsession with cleanliness.

1. In medieval times the King of the realm owned 6 pairs of pants. The noble classes, on average owned 4 pairs but common peasants only ever owned a single pair. Changing your pants every day was simply not an option.
2. For professional reasons - Superhero’s wear their pants over their tights, as an essential part of their costume. Imagine superman without his trademark red pants.
3. Also work related - professional wrestlers. The logistics of removing a 3-ounce pair of spandex pants from a 300-pound man who has just been involved in a sweaty wrestling match is not something you want to do every day.
4. The confused reason – you have several pairs of pants the same style and colour. If they don’t smell too bad how do you know when to change them?
5. Covid-19 lockdown reason – you have no idea what day of the week it is so how do you know when to change them?
6. The “can’t be arsed” reason – if you change them, you have to wash them, dry them, fold them and put them in the cupboard. Way too much effort every day.
7. In case you have an accident – every day you leave the house you have a 1 in 10,000 chance of being involved in a serious accident. A common reaction to impending serious injury is to soil yourself. Why would you risk messing up a clean pair of underwear under those circumstances?
8. As a school-boy - You have been the victim of an atomic wedgie. It’s not a case of not wanting to change your pants, you are going to need a surgical procedure to remove them from your arse crack.
   
9. The save the environment reason – every wash wastes valuable electricity and water.
10. They are your lucky pants – who can argue with that?

     Alastair and Daisy