Flat-pack furniture for DUMMIES

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

You will often hear animals referred to as dumb creatures, but monumental stupidity can only be truly achieved by one species that inhabits this planet – people. I was reminded of this when I needed to clean up after Daisy’s morning ablutions. On the packaging of the dog poop bags were instructions on how to use them – how thick do you have to be to require instructions on how to pick-up dog shit?

Since the 1900's the general populations intelligence has been sinking

Need proof...? Keep on reading.

I gave this issue some further thought. In 1992 an elderly American woman named Stella Lieberman scalded herself when she spilt hot coffee onto her lap in a McDonalds restaurant. She sued McDonalds and was awarded $2.9m in damages by a jury in New Mexico. An American journalist, Randy Cassingham, made a career out of publicising the unfathomable willingness of the American legal system to reward cretins who have suffered an injustice through their own stupidity – all explained in his book ‘The True Stella Awards.’ So, it’s probably not the manufacturers fault, they’re just protecting themselves.

 I was going to use this blog to quote some examples of pointless instructions found on products but I can’t complete with this - see what "boredpanda" has to say - these guys have absolutely nailed it.

The problem I wish to share, is when you find yourself part of the dumb ass brigade because you are really struggling to understand simple instructions. Nowhere is this more apparent than the instructions for flat-pack furniture. 

Here are some helpful hints for DIY heroes;

1.       The single most important part of the instructions – which most people ignore – is the list of parts. 20 minutes spent checking all the parts are present will save you hours of pain constructing a piece of furniture you can’t finish because a vital part is missing.

2.       The instructions will give you an estimated completion time for two people. Reality check – this is the world record time for assembly of the piece of furniture by two skilled craftsmen using production line power tools. The second person on your team is usually your wife whose main contribution is telling you where you have gone wrong.

3.       Most of the pieces look remarkably similar to other pieces, but they won’t fit.

4.       By about page 3 you’ll get bored with the instructions - you’re a man and you can work this out without need for directions.

5.       At the end of the build you will have several pieces left over. This is because you didn’t do #1 but you did do #4.

6.       You swear you will never again buy a piece of self-assembly furniture.

So, in summary, in an intelligence contest between man and dog, the dog will win on account that no dog has ever bought an item of flat pack furniture.

Alastair and Daisy

Let's fix music

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

Daisy’s favourite type of walk starts with getting in the car. On the way we often listen to some music, either a CD or the radio. If you were to ask me what songs I’d listened to when we’d got out of the car the chances are, I couldn’t remember a single one, that’s because most modern music is bland and forgettable. If I can remember a song it was probably written in the 60’s or 70’s or by a band that started in that era (I might stretch to the 80’s or even some later bands who fit the guidelines below).

Have people lost the ability to write great songs? Probably not. They just need some help.

Daisy’s rules on what makes a great band

1.   Ditch the computers - IMMEDIATELY. A piano or an organ is fine, but any key which does anything other than play a note is prohibited. A band that uses computer generated music is compensating for their lack of talent.

2.   A ‘sample’ is a measure of urine which you give to the doctor. It has no place in a song.
Lip syncing should be a criminal offence. A band must be able to play all their songs live. The only exception to this is the middle section of Queens’ Bohemian Rhapsody. If you can’t play it, then your material is fake.

3.   A band must include a drummer – a real person. Would you ever go to a concert and listen to an extended drum solo played by a machine? Never. Daisy thinks the drummer is the most important member of a band. After a brilliant drum solo the drummer usually tossed his sticks into the audience and Daisy loves to chase sticks.

4.   A song can last more than three minutes, that’s called creativity. When played live, a five-minute song can last 20 minutes, provided it includes an epic guitar solo.
Lyrics should be sung, not spoken.

5.   The lead singer should use a microphone on a stand, not one of those silly blobs of foam taped to their cheek. It makes you look like a dick. The front-man in a rock band makes the mic stand part of the performance.

6.   One set of clothes per show is sufficient in the wardrobe department. Changing your costume does not make the music sound any better. Catsuits, lycra and cowboy hats are perfectly acceptable attire for rock musicians and professional wrestlers, otherwise they should not be worn by gentlemen.

7.   Choreographed dancers are generally surplus to requirement. They are like gift wrapping for presents.

8.   Boy bands should be escorted to the back of the arena to face a firing squad armed with shotguns loaded with duck shit.

22. We Will Rock You - Queen Live in Montreal 1981 [1080p HD Blu-Ray Mux]

The story of Montreal. Here is why you can watch it now in such spectacular quality. http://www.brianmay.com/brian/brianss... Saul Swimmer had the idea that he could film a Queen concert, in a very high quality 35 mm double anamorphic way. For a start, we were not on tour, so all the sound and lights and production and CREW had to be ...

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Alastair and Daisy

cat vs dog

If you've ever looked at your dog and thought, wow, your life is great, what I would give for my life to be that easy. Well, I believe we can learn from dogs, and I'm writing a blog, with my dog Daisy, to teach people how to make life that easy.

Actually I started this blog to sell my e-books Jackpot and The Band, but that has now turned into a side gig.

Post for post Daisy and I are tackling life's challenges and world problems.

This is Discussions With My Dog.

In the 14^th Century the English and French were at war for 100 years. That was short lived compared to a rivalry that has been going on for millennia – dogs versus cats.

In this blog Daisy and I are delving into the age-old mystery of which animal makes the better pet? So there is fair representation on both sides we have a special guest to take part in this debate – Cat. Our cat has a name but according to Daisy cats are too stupid to understand people words so, there isn’t any point giving them a name.

The debate

Daisy – Dogs understand their name. If you call a dog’s name, they will come.

Cat – this is partly true. Some dogs only respond when they want to. Have you heard of Fenton? 

Daisy – Dogs help-out with the household chores. If a morsel of food accidentally drops off your plate, a dog will be there to hoover it up.
Cat – if nobody is watching, Daisy hoovers up the food from unattended plates, or off the work surfaces.

Daisy – Dogs can do useful jobs, they can be guard dogs, guide dogs, police dogs or sheep dogs. Cats are basically like people on benefits. They laze around the house expecting someone else to look after them.

Cat – we have better hygiene. A cat wouldn’t ever consider rolling in fox shit.
Daisy – you can give a dog a bath. Ever tried washing a cat in the bath – your hands & arms will look like they’ve been through a shredding machine.

Daisy – a dog is always pleased to see you. Leave the house for 10 minutes or 5 hours, the dog will rush to the door to say hello, I’ve missed you. The only time a cat is ever interested in a person is when it wants feeding.
Cat – we’re independent, self-sufficient creatures. You can leave us at home all day and not have to worry whether we have chewed up your best pair of shoes.

Daisy – a dog is your companion; you can take us out for a walk.
Cat – you’ve just got home after a long day at work. Outside It’s cold, wet and dark. A cat is happy to curl up next to you by the fire.

Cat – we get rid of pesky vermin like mice and rats.
Daisy – I also keep the garden clear of pesky vermin, especially cats.

Conclusion

After carefully listening to both sides of the debate I can’t remember why we thought getting either a cat or a dog was a good idea.

Alastair, Daisy and Cat