welcome to my blog

Welcome to my Blog

FUNNY, SOMETIMES DISGUSTING, BUT MOSTLY COMPLETE BOLLOCKS.

ADMISSION
The content written here IS the opinion of the writer, and IS based on real people and real events.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
A big thank you to the internet for allowing any old twat to have a website.

Saturday, June 26, 2021

5 things your dog would like to humbly apologise for

("While Sir Lancelot had his eye on Lady Marjorie's bishop, Sir Dickon had his hand on her sister's left breast".)


 In 1776 Thomas Jefferson famously quoted “Not all men are created equal”. It’s true, some people are more gifted than others. Of course, it doesn’t help when their ego is bigger than their talent. We like our stars better when they have a streak of humanity.

It’s the same in the dog world. It’s a characteristic of being a lurcher that Daisy thinks she is awesome. But she also knows there are times to show you humble side, for instance;

When you’ve just launched an air biscuit that has people’s eyes watering and gagging for breath. You have to (at least) pretend you are very sorry and blame it on what they fed you.

When you’ve done a huge sloppy dump on the pavement that someone has to scrape up with a tiny plastic bag. Again, apologise and blame it on what you were fed.

When you’re drooling at the dinner table. Blame it on what they haven’t fed you.

When you’ve abandoned your tennis ball in the long grass for the third time that week. Make an effort of going to look for it - in the opposite direction of where you left it.

When you wake everyone up at midnight barking at the bottom of the garden. Sorry, but people really needed to know a fox was passing through the neighbour’s property.

A humble apology means you can do exactly the same thing again tomorrow.




Saturday, April 17, 2021

How to blag a holiday during Covid-19 Lockdown

 

Can you remember the last time you took a holiday somewhere in the sun? 

When do you think you might next get away? Not any time soon because the Government has slapped a Covid-19 ban on foreign travel except in exceptional circumstances.

Courtesy of Discussions with My Dog, here are a couple of ideas of what might help you get that ‘exceptional circumstances’ ticket.

Option 1

Appeal for charitable donations for some worthy cause. Say you are going to cross the Atlantic Ocean in a 10-foot rowing boat. Organise a big press event to watch you paddle away from the British shore in the rowboat. About 2 miles out you get picked up by a luxury yacht which you have chartered with the charitable donations and cruise to an idyllic island in the Caribbean. Nobody will expect you back for a few months, by which time they will have forgotten about where the charitable donations went.

Option 2

Set up a company called ‘Essential Business Travel' on the application, list the company directors as you and a few of your drinking buddies. Apply for permission to go abroad for ‘‘Essential Business Travel’. You are bound to be approved.





Saturday, April 10, 2021

Why does my dog stare at me when it's taking a shit??

Why do dogs stare at you when they are taking a shit??

🐕💩

Scientists believe it is because they feel vulnerable and they are checking to make sure you will be 

there for protection if an unfavourable situation arises.

😕 I have two questions ⁇ –

1. How exactly did the scientist(s) come to this conclusion?

and...

2. How much money did they blag from the university research grant to carry out this ground

breaking investigation?

I guess...

It’s really quite a genius project. The whole team got paid for standing around watching dogs take a

shit. 

The only thing more difficult than proving their theory is correct is proving they are wrong.

But, in my opinion...

Yesterday as I was waiting for Daisy to finish her business. She looked me straight in the eye and the

message I was picking up was “Good luck cleaning up with that tiny polythene bag. I’ve left a huge

pile and it’s 85% liquid”.