Farting Etiquette

 

Every year governments around the world bring out hundreds of new laws, literally 1,000’s of pages of new regulations, but there are very few laws about flatulence. My local council did however recently introduce guidelines for queuing for the bus - 

Daisy the dog has absolutely no shame when it comes to farting. After she’s let one slip, she will lay there and stare you straight in the eye. Most people are more modest, but what are the rules when farting in company? Here is the Discussions with My Dog guide to farting etiquette. 

Group situation I

The blame game - When someone in a group unleashes a silent but deadly fart

If you are the culprit, it is perfectly legitimate to blame somebody else. The trick is to wait until someone shrieks “OMG, who just dropped their guts”? Never be first. Jump in and point the blame to the most uptight person present. The second rule of the situation is never to blame the dog. They can’t defend themselves.

Group situation II

The squealer

This starts similar to the first situation. The farter clenches up and attempts to gas in silence, but the fart sneaks through a gap between their buttocks with a high-pitched squeal. No blame game rules this time. This is the rule of natural justice - sneaky bastards deserve to get caught.

Group Situation III

School assembly

Remember school assembly? The hall packed wall to wall with kids. The teachers have enforced silence for the Headmaster to make “a very important” announcement. In the moment of complete hush, a kid breaks wind violently. There is a pause, a shocked silence before the first person lets out a snigger. The teachers glare, daring anyone to laugh out loud.  It’s the funniest thing you’ve heard all year and your body is physically shaking trying to suppress the laughter. You’re holding it back desperately, but 5 minutes later, the fart is still preying on your mind demanding you collapse into a fit of giggles. The lesson is that not everyone finds farting funny. I feel sorry for people with no sense of humour.

Toilet cubicle etiquette

When you let rip in a cubicle and didn’t realise there was another person in the room

Do you wait it out until they leave? Or brazen it out, throw open the cubicle and announce, “If you come down to the engine room you’ve got to expect to witness some damage”. If you are the person outside, I personally recommend acknowledging the event with a polite round of applause and then discretely leave.

The Exhibitionist

It’s true you can set annal gas alight. Most farts generate enough methane to produce a satisfying blue flame. The rule here is safety related - beware of secondary ignition sources, especially guys with hairy arses. Forest fires are known to cause devastation.

Farting in bed

These rules apply to cohabiters. There are no set rules, you should set boundaries you are both comfortable with – OR JUST GO FOR IT.

Alastair and Daisy