Budget Christmas

It’s that time of year when you have to sort out your Christmas list. The annual challenge of spending some serious thinking time about what gifts to choose for family and friends.  Maybe you have one of those relatives who already have everything! Or maybe you’re on a budget and need to economise?

Whatever your dilemmas, Daisy the Dog has some ingenious money saving tips on how to conquer Christmas.

Save all the Christmas cards from last year. Simply cross out and swap over the “To”s and “From”s and mail them back. Following this simple strategy is a “win, win” situation, you won’t forget anyone and all that recycling will be doing your bit to save the planet.

Have a poke around in the loft. Maybe you have a remnant of carpet laying around. Only, it’s not an old piece of carpet, it’s a high quality, ergonomically designed yoga mat. An ideal gift, quite unlike anything they have received before.

The puppy came in the other day with a stick which he proceeded to chew into a hundred small pieces. I gathered them up into a cellophane bag and sprayed them with a mixture of 1 part ladies, perfume, 1 part deodorant and a sprinkling of washing powder and tied it all up with a bow. This was now a gift bag of potpourri – infused with mystic aromas of the rainforest.

The 1,000-Yard Stare

We continue our series of tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

In the middle-ages, taking part in a battle was a terrifying ideal. Most of the fighting was at close quarters, with the opposing forces stabbing, hacking, and bludgeoning each other to death with spears, swords, and axes.

Before battle commenced it was important to show a brave face. If your army was 5,000 strong at the bottom of the hill facing a force of 7,000 atop the hill, you needed the 1,000-yard stare. To focus, steely eyed, on a point 1,000-yards beyond the enemy – as if they didn’t exist – show no fear.

Sir D has come across a few occasions in modern life where the 1,000-yard stare can be invaluable.

Situation 1 – out on your Sunday afternoon stroll you accidentally wander into a nudist camp. If this was the movies the nudists would all be exotic lingerie models. In real life they are mostly over 60 with an average weight of 20 stone - the only safe place to look is 1,000 yards ahead.

Situation 2 – walking the dog you are approaching a busy intersection. There are queues of traffic and people everywhere. The dog decides here is the ideal spot to deposit a huge sloppy shit – put on a brave & impassive face as you scrape shit off the sidewalk.

Situation 3 – you have just sent your teenage son / daughter a carefully worded, fully punctuated text on your mobile phone. It’s taken you 20 minutes to write.
He / she pings you back in 10 seconds. The message is six emoji’s  - no words. You haven’t a clue what any of it means - remember parenting is mostly about pretending you know everything. Keep calm and carry on. You'll feel better at Christmas when their eagerly await gift turns out to be a dictionary.

Doctor, doctor...NOOOOO!!!

 

We continue our series of tales from Sir Dickon, a 14^th Century Knight of the Realm, magically transported to the 21^st Century to become a modern-day life coach.

Anyone having a problem booking a doctor’s appointment at the moment? 

Where are all the doctors? You might get the impression that they are all on an extended Coronavirus holiday 😷🌴😎.

In the 14^th Century visiting the Doctor 👴 was a risky business. There was a good chance the prescription was more likely to poison, injure or kill you than cure you. 😥. Sir Dickon gives us an insight 👀 ;

Symptom - a headache 😈

Cure – Trepanation. 

Headaches were caused by a demon trapped inside your head, rampaging around. The physician would drill a hole in your skull to let the demons out. Obvious when you think about it! 

But how did the demon get in to begin with?

Symptom – painful throat, stomach, chest, arse etc.

Cure – Blood letting. 

The doctor would drain blood to rebalance the fluids in your body. The blood loss caused the patient to become dizzy and disorientated, generally forgetting why they were feeling unwell in the first place 😵

Symptom – Syphilis, a common venereal disease.

Cure – quicksilver, better known as mercury was injected into your private parts. Interestingly mercury did result in some initial improvement in the condition, until the unpleasant side effects kicked in 😟

And finally …

Sir Dickon: “My wife has been nagging a lot lately. I think she might be a witch”. 👵

Doctor: “We will have to run some tests. We will dunk her in the village pond. If she floats it proves she is a witch and we’ll burn her at the stake. If she sinks, she’s innocent”.

Sir Dickon: “How much do I owe you for this consultation”?

Doctor: “5 shillings”.

Sir Dickon: “Cheaper than a divorce”. 😁