The best and worst fashions of the ages

 

This week it’s FASHION WEEK at Discussions with My Dog – to be honest its more about when fashion goes bad. Daisy recently picked up an injury to her paw, and for her own protection, we bought her some dog boots. Daisy thinks dog boots suck and she has been on a major sulk for several days.

This got us thinking about styles that, when examined with the cold light of history, were proved to be something of a disaster.

Fashions are cyclical. You’ll notice commentators will say “the thirties look is back this year” etc. One era yet to make a come back is the 60’s/70’s. Extra wide collars and flares were never a good look. At it’s height, the flares just kept getting outrageously larger. The queue for the Saturday night disco looked like the start of a yacht race with all that fabric flapping around in the wind.

In 1973 there was an oil crisis, most Western economies went into recession and were only saved by cutting back on the massive cost of material necessary to make those flares and collars.

One of my least favourite fashions is what I call the ‘low gravity look’. This is a favourite among teenage boys who wear their trousers ridiculously low, well below the hips with several inches of underwear showing. Spoiler alert guys – in ten years you’ll look back at the photos and wonder why you went out in public looking as though you had taken a massive shit in your pants.  

Although Daisy abhors dog boots, there is one thing Daisy hates more: the medical collars dogs have to wear after an operation – the ones that resemble a lampshade. Back in Elizabethan times, an extended ‘ruff’ collar was considered the absolute height of fashion. The Elizabethans also invented voluminous puffle pants. I can’t offer an explanation for ruff collars but back in the 16^th century, there were no public toilets, so it was useful to have some spare capacity in the trouser department if you were desperate to take a shit whilst out and about.

Finally, any blog about fashion would not be complete without a comment about stiletto heels. At some point in history almost every fashion has been experimented with by both men and women – except stiletto heels. I would say men are not foolish enough to totter around on a heel that has a surface area half the size of a postage stamp, but if you take low gravity trousers into consideration men are more than willing to wear abominations in the name of fashion.

Stilettos are in fact a very practical solution to a modern-day problem. Ladies are, on average, shorter than men. They have difficulty reaching goods on the top shelf in most supermarkets. This is why a six inch pair of stilettos is an absolute must on any shopping trip, as admirably demonstrated by this young lady.

Alastair and Daisy

STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHTS

 

These days, you hear an awful lot about diversity and inclusion. I get totally lost with all the different groups who have rights, don’t have rights, or whose rights have been wronged. The groups are now banding together into a blur of rights and wrongs, last count it was L-G-B-T-Q, I have no idea what that stands for, but interestingly, there is no ‘D’ in this ensemble of letters. So, in the spirit of supporting equality and diversity, this weeks’ blog is dedicated to promoting DOG’s rights. 

Case 1

Just as many of the protesting minorities have gained rights, dogs have been progressively discriminated against. Back in the 1970’s – admittedly not a decade known for its political correctness – you never saw a sign prohibiting dogs from running on the beach. Today dogs are about as welcome on the beach as a turd in a swimming pool. OK, people don’t want dogs crapping all over the beach and owners who don’t clean up after them should be fined. However, let’s have some perspective, dog poop is a degradable substance that will disappear over time. Humans regularly discard plastic waste on the beaches, doesn’t that warrant a fine? – that stuff will float around polluting the oceans for decades. 

Case 2

Dogs are not allowed in most cafes, restaurants, or other establishments serving food. Why exactly? Daisy is familiar with table etiquette. She understands that sitting next to a complete stranger, staring intently at their food with drool running down their chin might be considered a little intrusive (although it wouldn’t stop her doing it). The ultimate insult to dogs is the Cat Café. This is a relatively new phenomenon. An eating house exclusively reserved for cats!? Daisy’s ultimate fantasy is that someone accidentally leaves the door open and she gets 10 minutes of crazy time inside the Cat Café.

Case 3

Back in the last century, we used to have a Miss World contest every year. It was a global get-together. Each country would send their best-looking lady and there would be a competition to pick the prettiest one. I assume that these types of events are no longer encouraged because they are demeaning to women. Last time we looked, dog shows such a Crufts were still running. As far as we can see, it’s roughly the same format.

Case 4

Our last point of the unjustness of public transport. Dogs are not permitted to travel on many forms of public transport, especially aircraft. I phoned up Heathrow Airport to find out why? They explained that dogs are not really compatible with air travel, for example;

Alastair and Daisy

Farting Etiquette

 

Every year governments around the world bring out hundreds of new laws, literally 1,000’s of pages of new regulations, but there are very few laws about flatulence. My local council did however recently introduce guidelines for queuing for the bus - 

Daisy the dog has absolutely no shame when it comes to farting. After she’s let one slip, she will lay there and stare you straight in the eye. Most people are more modest, but what are the rules when farting in company? Here is the Discussions with My Dog guide to farting etiquette. 

Group situation I

The blame game - When someone in a group unleashes a silent but deadly fart

If you are the culprit, it is perfectly legitimate to blame somebody else. The trick is to wait until someone shrieks “OMG, who just dropped their guts”? Never be first. Jump in and point the blame to the most uptight person present. The second rule of the situation is never to blame the dog. They can’t defend themselves.

Group situation II

The squealer

This starts similar to the first situation. The farter clenches up and attempts to gas in silence, but the fart sneaks through a gap between their buttocks with a high-pitched squeal. No blame game rules this time. This is the rule of natural justice - sneaky bastards deserve to get caught.

Group Situation III

School assembly

Remember school assembly? The hall packed wall to wall with kids. The teachers have enforced silence for the Headmaster to make “a very important” announcement. In the moment of complete hush, a kid breaks wind violently. There is a pause, a shocked silence before the first person lets out a snigger. The teachers glare, daring anyone to laugh out loud.  It’s the funniest thing you’ve heard all year and your body is physically shaking trying to suppress the laughter. You’re holding it back desperately, but 5 minutes later, the fart is still preying on your mind demanding you collapse into a fit of giggles. The lesson is that not everyone finds farting funny. I feel sorry for people with no sense of humour.

Toilet cubicle etiquette

When you let rip in a cubicle and didn’t realise there was another person in the room

Do you wait it out until they leave? Or brazen it out, throw open the cubicle and announce, “If you come down to the engine room you’ve got to expect to witness some damage”. If you are the person outside, I personally recommend acknowledging the event with a polite round of applause and then discretely leave.

The Exhibitionist

It’s true you can set annal gas alight. Most farts generate enough methane to produce a satisfying blue flame. The rule here is safety related - beware of secondary ignition sources, especially guys with hairy arses. Forest fires are known to cause devastation.

Farting in bed

These rules apply to cohabiters. There are no set rules, you should set boundaries you are both comfortable with – OR JUST GO FOR IT.

Alastair and Daisy